tick tock, tick tock

It's crazy how time passes by, and how the days just start to blurr... I can't believe that December is almost over already. School/finals ended on the 13th for me, and here it is: Christmas Eve! What have i even done? Let's see... i worked the whole following week, had two doctors appointments, and finished Christmas shopping; i hung out with my Travis (we saw Lord of the Rings, incredible!! love it...); i made plans to finally see my best friend for the first time in forever (can't wait!); i cleaned my room, and tried to straighten random things out for myself; yesterday i hung out with Stella and watched Original Sin (slightly depressing, but very alluring movie, with a twisted ending). i'm sure there is much more to put in there, but i won't worry about that for now. i just can't believe it's already Christmas Eve... This afternoon Travis and I are going to my parents house and spending the night, then we are swinging by here to feed Stella's fishies, and heading to Willy's to spend Christmas day there. After that, i'm not positive what we'll be doing; but i know we'll be up here for the weekend... and that will be nice.

So: switching topics... yesterday i checked my grades. Wow. You know, i know i'm not stupid; but i'm not smart enough to figure out why i can't get this stuff... why i can't just do well... I try, i really really do. But, i just can't do well. At least i haven't been. This coming semester, something has to give. I already feel the pressures of knowing that i have to get a job after next year bearing down on me. I'm probably going to email all my teachers for next semester and ask them what they suggest; because as i said, something has to give! It was weird, looking at my grades and for the first time thinking that maybe transfering was actually a good idea; and not for the first time, that even though i love this stuff, maybe International Relations was not the major to chose. But it's really too late for all that; it's my junior year, and i have to graduate on time. I don't have the money to stay another year, or the drive. In some ways I've gained so much self confidence being here, being myself here; but at the same time I've just lost so much faith in my intelligence... in my head. I know i can work hard, and that whatever task is laid before me in my future job, i can do it... and that makes it so much harder to understand why i just can't do this. But it's Christmas Eve, and i want to think about happy things...... so Merry Christmas everyone; i hope you have a great one!!



Wow, so let me tell you just how scattered things have been lately. The break went soooo fast. It was wonderful, and just what i needed, but way too quick. Let's see: Tuesday night i relaxed, went to Psi U for a while and played with the few boy that were left. Luckily it was Brian, Jon, Apoc, Tucchi, E.D. and Edmund. I love those boys. Hmm.... and it snowed so beautiful!! Wednesday i had a doctor visit, and i finally got my diagnoses! SVT: Supra Ventricular TachaCardia. It's just a relief to know what's wrong with me. After that Brian drove me down to pick up Travis... and it was just a good day. I got a nice comfirmation that a friendship i thought was wanning, really wasn't; so yay for wed. Hmm. Thursday was Thanksgiving, which was really nice. Trav and i went to the rents place, and ate so much food! Mmm... turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sause. It was great. We brought sooo much food home too!! Friday was a sleepy day, but we did got shopping during the day (with Hannah), and i got most of my Christmas shopping done. Then we lounged around until that night when Tucchi, Hannah, Trav and I killed a 30 pack in two or three hours playing ruit and asswhole. Saturday was another lazy day, but we did a little more shopping (and i finished my Christmas purchases, besides one or two that i can get anytime). Today we got good news in that Travis got his license back!! :-) We were both Very excited about that!! Then that night we killed a handle of Parrot Bay while watching a movie and playing more asswhole... mmm, Parrot Bay... my favorite! The best was just how relaxed it was; we were all just having a very fun time. So, what are we up to? Sunday. Well, Sunday was very very lazy and we just laid around all day... watched TV, ran some errands, and then i did some work. Then it was to bed early to get ready for back to school... :-p Now it's back to hectic scheduals, and running around, and trying to get stuff done, but not... but i'm going to stay grounded, and keep my head. And only a week and a half more to go!!!!


turkey, turkey, turkey

Wow, i haven't written in four days or so... time flies. This semester has been so crazy, and now we're on Thanksgiving break with only one week left to go before classes are over! I can't believe it. It's been such an up and down semester for me and i can't wait for it to be over, all i have to do is ace my finals and i'll be good to go. here was my deep thought from earlier:
"I know what you mean about feeling like you've been trying to escape this whole semester. i've definitely felt the same way. i fine myself constantly saying the same things: "i'll be fine after:" this rent is paid, after this test is over, the semester is done, i graduate, etc! i keep looking forward to summer, and when it's summer i look forward to school. i'm constantly saying that i'll be happy when this happens, or when that happens, and i really am tired of it. i want to be able to say that i am happy now. the closest i come to that is definitely when i'm laying in travis' arms, ignoring school, and just relaxing. i just wish i could feel like that more often."
But right now i'm feeling pretty good, and winter break is always a good one for me. I work and read and relax. So, one week of classes, then finals, then i'm good... :-) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Enjoy your Turkey!!!!!


rainy day fridays

Well, here we are on another rainy day. But at least this day is a friday!! Another hour here at work, then another four hours at work #2, then i'm freeeeeeee... at least for the 48 hours until this weekend is over. I can't wait. Today is going pretty well, my boss bought a pizza for us, and travis brought me a YooHoo and a PB&J sandwich, and chips, and bacon!! lol. And Stells left me a sweet message. Plus work #2 at the quadruplets should go quickly today. It's just going to be the kids and their dad and i today, their mom's away in Chicago. I'm sure their dad is loosing his mind right now, so i'm happy to offer him a break. Oh, and did i mention it's friday!!!!! lol. here we go being slightly manic again, but manic is better then depressive. I'm going to try and keep this positive energy going until then end of finals. It's coming so soon. I just have to keep reminding myself that i am working really hard and i am doing okay. There is no reason to panic. After Dec. 1, the money situation should be a bit better; and i'll work over winter break. Things will work out! I just have to keep reminding myself of that. So i just looked outside, and it is pouring so hard!!! Damn... If anyone wants to come get this girl from work at 2 at the Philosophy Department, feel free to do so! Should have brought an unbrella!! :-)


the extent of me lately

Sorry i have not written lately. I can hardly begin to sum up how i've been feeling. The weekend was too quick, and i've been missing travis very much since then. But i was okay because i felt like i finally had things under control. I felt real good about my IR test, i was sure my Law test was going to go well also. And travis is coming on Wed. I am actually doing my reading on time, and i just was happy about things. So, this morning i took my Law test, and i have no idea how it went. I either did really well or really bad. Then i went to my IR class and got my test back.
well, i should preface this: i did really bad on the first test... REALLY bad. So this test i buckled down and worked harder then i think i've worked on a test in my whole time here at Lehigh. So i get my test back today and i got a C... a god damn fucking C. A friend of mine who didn't study until the night before the test did better then me. And so now i feel like shit. real shit.

That's the way things have been going for me lately. Just when i am feeling great... sure of myself and proud of how i am handling things, something like this happens and just pulls me back down into this feeling of bleakness. Like why the hell am i here? I've started to wonder if IR was the right major to choose... I love it, but obviously i can't do it, and i think that right now just having a major that i can do would be so much better. At least i'm doing something i love you say, but you know what... employers don't look at interest level as the main determinant for getting a job. I'm trying to be more positive though... i'm trying, i just don't know if it's working.

Here's something i wrote to travis that i feel really expresses how i've been feeling lately:
"I love you so much Travis. I'm sorry i get down sometimes, i know that you hate it... i don't mean to make you sad. Sometimes i just get very frustrated with myself and my situation right now. I just want this phase of life to be over with. I am tired of school, i've been here for 15 years now, and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of not getting things. I'm tired of living with people who say one thing and do another, who are stupid with there money and want to complain to me because i have financial aid. I'm tired of missing you during the weeks. But i know that i can do this, and i know that i only have one more year. And i know that i shouldn't be so down on myself. And i love you for constantly reminding me of that... no matter how many times you have to say it. And i love you for believing in me, and forcing me to believe in myself even when i don't want to. Thank you."
and i know that i really should believe in myself more, and try to see the good side of things. with a boy like travis especially!
"I am so proud of you. You worked very hard and improved your score. Don't get down about not acing the test. Especially now that you have shown to yourself that you can buckle down and get the work done. You prepared yourself well for the test. Now you have even more time and more ways to improve for the final. I am sure that you will do great. I want you to know that I am truly proud of what you have done and are doing. You continually amaze me with your abilities to get so much accomplished. Yes, some people don't have to study as long as you, but some people also don't have to work two jobs to be able to stay at Lehigh. You have said it yourself a million times that you are really making it hard on yourself by doing so many things at once, but it only goes to show how strong you truly are. I want you to smile for me, and all of us that care about you. You are wonderful. I love you so much and can't believe that I get to see you tomorrow night. I am so happy. You make my days go so fast just knowing you are there for me. Why don't you sit back and take a deep breath. You have completed a lot of obstacles in the past weeks."

so that's what i am going to do. If you want me tonight, i'll probably be at Psi U... sitting back, taking a deep breath, and trying to relax.


stupid, stupid test

So i studied with Grant... yay that! Made me feel a bit more confident. Tomorrow i study with the freshman roomy... then thursday is THE day! ahhh... i am so blah about this test. i can't stand it. hmmm, also tomorrow is registaring for us juniors. finally found another class today so i have enough that if one of mine is full i have another to pick from, or if the necessity arises, i can drop one. it's always good to be safe. i guess. wow, i just can't really type right now. i need to study more, i need to sleep. my days just keep flying by and i feel like i'm not getting half the stuff i want to done. i'm sorry for the over all lack of "ahh" to my journal entries lately. i feel like i'm just too tired right now to be even remotely... well, remotely anything i want to be. quite the difference from tgif... quite the difference a day can make.


another weekend

This weekend has been flying by. I don't want to have tomorrow be Sunday, and know that i have to go to bed early and wake up for classes. But at least this weekend has been a good one. The weather has been beautiful, and of course having travis here is always great. Friday night i babysat, but he was dropped off, so we watched movies until them parents came home around 10:30; then went home, made dinner together, ate, made love, and went to be... completely satisfied. Today, we actually got up for tailgates! Surprise surprise there! ;-) It was pretty nice. Once again, the weather was beautiful, and that always puts me in a great mood. And our good graduated friend Espo came by. Yay Espo!! Let's see.... we watched A Beautiful Mind, and (lol) i cried! High recommondations for that movie. Then it was on to Psi U, a brake to hit up a diner with my wonderful big Ang, then back to Psi U... for more of the same. Which is actually where we still are. He's downstairs playing ruit, and i'm sitting in Bri's room typing. I just wish he didn't get so wrapped up in the drinking, but i'm not going to let this little thing spoil an otherwise great weekend. Boo for beer and it's hold on my boyfriend, but yay for the fact that he is still wonderful and loves me so. And yay for fun, although too short, weekends!!! :-)


free boob friday

In honor of Stella, today is:


I feel so liberated... :-)


trying this out....

So this is the first time i am trying this... typing out what i feel to share with the world, or at least my own small corner of it. Sometimes i get so frustrated being boggled down by money and school issues. I feel like that's all i focus on anymore. So this will be my place to get those feelings out, and hopefully get a weight off my chest in the process! Not that i'm hoping this is going to change my whole life in the process... although i feel like that wouldn't be a bad thing if it did. Do you ever feel like just picking up and moving on? "Okay, that's enough of this stage of my life... on to the next." Sometimes i just want to be graduated, working in a real job... not worrying about financial aid and homework and projects. I want to be married and not have to wake up knowing that the man i love is waking up somewhere else. I want to wake up and have enough time to make a big cup of hot chocolate, and read a chapter in my favorite book... and not wake up exhausted because i stayed up until 3am to finish a project or to study. I want my hard work to be rewarded with finished projects that make me proud of my work, and not with mediocre tests and unsympathetic teachers! i want to be able to see my friends, and not have such busy scheduals that i can't even arrange a quicky visit to say hi. i guess i want a lot of things right now...