Oh thank the heavens that it is Friday!

The weekends always make me a much happier person. And even though I have a bunch of work, this weekend especially should be a good time. Travis, Mike, and I started a little 3-person football poll... which should provide us with much entertainment. The 2 losers buy the winner lunch the following weekend. I have the feeling that I should be saving my money, because I will be losing a lot!! Lol, I definitely pick too much according to who I want to win and not actually who I think is going to win. (Ex: the Eagles, I of course picked them to win, even though I know they will bite just as much ass this week as they did every other game so far.) But, oh well... I'm still very excited, as this will cause some good times. Also this weekend is the Celtic Classic... which is a great celebration (yay for my heritage), and let me tell you, us Celts know how to have a good time!! :-) Plus the fact that it always occurs during the first few weeks of autumn, it makes me just feel very good when it arrives because I know that autumn has arrived as well. Just thinking about the season fills me with this warm pleasant feeling... So Trav and I and multiples of Psi U alums should be hitting that tonight or Sunday or sometime in between.

And then Saturday evening is Trav and my dinner at my rents. I'm actually really looking forward to this! We're doing an "endless pasta bowl" a la Olive Garden. My mom is making a few different pastas, and a few different sauces, and then we get to mix and match. We're also going to be watching Lord of the Ring, Two Towers... a wonderful movie, which also gets me in a happy spirit.

Right now (if you can't tell) I'm in just such a happy mood. I want to just forget about anything that drags me down: classes, job searching, money etc. I want to think about happy, exciting things... like going to Ireland and riding horses for a living. Or living in Bethlehem and being at artist at the Banana factory. Or something equally wonderful. Of course with Travis by my side. Now, I'm not delusional or anything... I realize that won't be happening, but it's so pleasant to think about... isn't it?! :-)



So I've decided to try an make my life easier but tackling something that has been causing me much stress lately.
My budget. (yuck)

I actually sat down and looked over everything today. It's amazing how much better I feel just planning everything out. I consolidated all of my credit card debt to one card, which I'm going to make large monthly payments on to bring down. I've also cut up that card so I can't put anything else on it. I will have it only as emergency overdraft protection on my bank account. My other card now has nothing on it, and I'm going to keep it that way, and use it only if I need it for an emergency.

I looked at all of my incoming money, and subtracted all of my monthly expenses: including a sizable payment to the credit card (which will allow me to pay it all off in 6 months or less, including interest), rent, utilities, gas, etc. With all that I figured out that I can still have approx. $100 a month to put into savings. Now my budget leaves me a little short on spending money, but I also purposely underestimated the amount I bring in for my one job... that way if I have extra, it's a nice surprise, as opposed to if I ran short one month.

Hopefully I will be able to stick with this budget, and although at first it will be a little hard... it was also make my life so much easier in the long run! And it will mean that when I graduate, the only debt I have will be student loans which I can't really do anything about right now. I'm very excited right now about my plan of action... it always feels good to have something laid out to follow.

Yippee for my budget... and yippee for money no longer controlling me!!


blah... jobs

Well, it's another blah Tuesday... I'm getting really sick of school and have senioritis very badly, and basically just want to get out of here and move on to the next stage of my life. Lehigh has been fun, and I still have fun here, and love it... but I'm just ready for what's next. Yet this leads to a lot of stress. I'm so stressing out about jobs right now. It's scary to think about the job market, and about how competitive any job that I could get with an IR degree are going to be. :-( I'm petrified that I won't be able to find anything and I'll end up working some minial secretary job just to pull in a salary.

I feel depressed about my resume and my grades... I feel like I could have done better, done more... but it's not like I don't try!! I work so much that it doesn't leave a lot of time for extra-curricular activities. Three jobs this semester, and three clubs. Plus 17 credits and job searching. It's not like I could add more into that, and I really am trying with the grades. I'm not stupid, but sometimes there is just too much going on. There are things that I regret so much though, because I really could have changed them.

I should have planned my progression of classes better. I should have gotten more involved my freshman year. I should have kept up with Chinese. I never should have became a pothead for my freshman and sophomore years. I should have gone abroad last year. I should have gotten a better job or an interview over my pre-junior year summer. I should have waited an extra week last year to agree to an internship, and therefore have been able to do the UN one (well, I guess that one I couldn't have known about).

I'm really not looking forward to the Career Fair either, because of all this. I feel like it will simply depress me and lead me to feel trapped. It is autumn, my favorite time of year... and all I want to do is be happy and content, and excited about the coming year. Instead I am feeling desperately rushed, stuck, and cornered.

I guess I just have to do my best and see what will come. Wish me luck.... :-\



It's very weird when you think you know people... and then you find out all these things about them that you didn't realize. And when they act one why for so long that when they change some, even if its for the better, it feels wrong. I'm so frustrated right now, and I have absolutely no reason to be. None. I'm annoyed though with all those people out there who have gone and change, and who aren't acting like "themselves"... and I'm frustrated with the fact that I don't know why they are acting differently. But mostly I'm frustrated with myself and the fact that I have not been able to do what they have done. I've not had the accomplishments. I've not had the grades. I've not had the resume builders, or the financial resources. I'm so glad that I get to see Travis tonight, because I need a huge hug... I need to be held and feel loved, and I need to feel like everything is going to be okay. If only for a minute or two.


The Dream

Okay, so I've finally gotten around to editing this entry, and actually turning it into an entry about my Dream. It's weird lately that I've been having this incredibly vivid and cracked out dreams... dreams of storms and old teachers, of friends and bars and crazy people trying to come after me, most of them with Travis in them. And I remember them the next day and try to figure out where they came from and what they mean. But this dream has really stuck with me, and its really sparked some big emotions and thoughts in me.

So first the dream itself which is going to be quick because I remember so little of the action within the dream, but so much about the emotions I was feeling and the overall atmosphere. That I don't know if I can explain as well....
But anyway, the dream:

It started off in this house, a very nice house and very big, but not one I really know. Everything in the house had this shadowly light on it, like a room lit up by a very full moon... and the feelings in this house were very mysterious and forboding. Not truly scary, but forboding nonetheless. In this dream I knew that it was my "mission", so to speak, to protect some of the members of the family which lived in this house. Their daughter was getting married and someone was against that. Travis was also helping me with this, but I never actually saw him once in the dream... just felt his presence and knew he was on my side. After a little while I was outside, and it was day time... although still very shadowy. Before me appeared someone I know from real life, who we'll just call DW. Now I knew that DW was there to offer me advice about what to do to help this family and complete my "mission". But DW in the dream came up to me and we kissed (not clear who started it). It was my feeling that DWs ulterior motive was this kiss... and so I didn't know how to feel about it or him.

Well... here's where I offer some background involving my real life relationship with DW. We were friends, and in a way still are, although much more uncomfortably so... but Travis does not get along with DW at all. Lets just say, without too much detail, that while Travis and I were together DW tried to pull something on me.

So this dream obviously sparked some interesting feelings in me. Feelings of "why is this coming back to haunt me?" But also feelings of... well... wonder? I don't know exactly how to explain this. I have come to realize that I have some issues with the way I've done things in the past. This extends to schooling and to my personal life. I don't really want to change anything, but at the same time, due to circumstances now... I have some feelings of insecurity. And sex is one of those areas. Trav is more experienced then I am. And it's not to say that I want to have had sex with more guys... I don't! I like that Trav is my one and only. What I would change if I could, is his experience level... but obviously that is not possible. And so I'm left with this feeling of frustration and insecurity.

Overall this is not a huge problem... I love Travis very much and I just don't think about any of the other girls. They are in the past and nothing can be done about them now. We have a wonderful relationship, and this is not going to effect it. However this dream Made me think about it, and made me confront these feelings... which I didn't really want to do. I mean, what can I do about them? Nothing!
But that is enough of that... my stupid dream.


another week

I haven't written in a week, which is bad because I feel like right now I have so much to write about. I probably don't, but I think I should go with that feeling. Hmm... last week. Well, my first dance class with Stella was interesting! I think she will agree with me that the teacher definitely expected this certain level of flexability, athletic prowess, dance knowledge, etc... and I don't think I was really up to any of them. But I tried, and it will be interesting to see if I can do better this time around. I also kind of got annoyed with her use of the phrase, "in a perfect world". I've definitely realize by now that it's not a perfect world, why does she get to be pleasantly in the dark about that?

Then that night was supposed to be my dinner with QinQin, but due to some confusion that got pushed off until this Thursday. But I still had this huge homecooked meal, so Phil was sweet enough to come over and eat with me. :-) Yay.

Let's see... I feel like so much more happened last week, but my feeble memory is toying with me right now, and I'm at a loss. See, this is why I need to write more... so I can actually remember what happens in my life. Well, I know that I went out on Wednesday night to Senior Night at the Ho. I was expecting to stay for only a few drinks, but it was Greg's 21st birthday that night, so we stayed until he came at Midnight... and then on until last call! So I was more then pleasantly drunk. Lets just put it this way, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it, and how I felt the next day! It was a good time overall, even though there were certain "shaddy" moments that I'm not going to go into too great a detail about. Let's just put it this way, sometimes I really detest guys who feel like they can just do whatever they want with whomever they want. Which is weird because this sentiment reminds me in part of a dream I had last night, but that I will talk about later.

So thursday I recovered, and that was uneventful and not very fun... although the going to sleep at 7 o'clock that night was so nice!! And it made Friday that much better, and considering Friday was a good day to begin with... well, it was just a very nice ending to the week. Trav came up around 6:30 and we hit the bar, with (eventually) Jon, Mike, Cheeks, Joon, and Hannah's Ho's. It was a good time and very good food. Next was Psi U for beirut and hotels and more beirut... but it was very pleasant drinking with awesome peoples, and I didn't really get overly intoxicated. Just this nice buzz that made me happy. And we went to bed rather early (because of the game Saturday) which was nice, because I do like sleep... especially with my babes.

So Saturday we hit the Lehigh football game, and waking up was actually very easy. The Crossan's were up and it is always good to see them. Lehigh, of course, won!! Beating the (at the time) 11th or 9th ranked college (depending on if you checked before or after a slight readjustment on Saturday)... so we are now up to #20!! And Fordhum, down to... hum, 18 or something? (Can't quite remember, but either way:) Go Lehigh!

So let's see, after that we went home and showered and relaxed. We watched some of the other games, then headed to the mall where I got my new phone. I'm very excited about that. Only $31!! and it's normally $220! How sweet is that?! But anyway...

Sunday involved lots of laying around. Mike came down for a bit and we watched some more football. I cleaned my room, then cooked yummy homemade chicken tenders for dinner. For dessert we walked to the Cup for ice cream. But that's really all... some homeworking, and bed.

Hmm... finally into this week.
Monday sucked because I woke up feeling sick for no reason. I had slept well and everything, but still felt very ill. I ended up missing classes because of that, but I didn't want to go and end up having to leave to puke. Yuck. But after sleeping until 1, I felt so much better and was able to go to work.
Today has been uneventful so far, but you never know what will come... and now I will end my rambling because it is time to go get my car tuned up!



At least it's not Monday...

So it's Tuesday, not over the hump of the hill, way too far from the weekend, but at least it's not Monday anymore, Tuesday. I'm tired and cranky after staying up until 12 or a bit after last night to watch the Eagles not play football. Really, I swear they were simply there to take up space on the field. Hmm... so isn't this an interesting phenomenon... Megan likes football. This is really new to me. I've always considered the Eagles my team, but now I really actually like football. I enjoy watching it, and yelling at the players, and I actually know what's going on most of the time now! It's entertaining to me, which I find exciting. :-) I know, i know, silliness.

So last night turned out to be pretty fun. I got to dress up to be a door whore at Psi U. I found that when I wear my comfy push up bra and this one 'boosting' tank top together, I have boobs... like wow, look-at-my-chest-and-not-my-eyes, boobs. It was kind of fun, just for the night, to actually dress to impress. And it's funny watching the reactions of the guys, all used to seeing me in T-shirts, when they see that yes, I really am female, and really do have breasts. Although the shaddy southside guy, who was old enough to be my father mind you, who followed me around A*harts... well, that could have been done without. But it was still a good day, and that actually was slightly flattering.

But back to the fact that it's Tuesday. Tonight I'm having dinner with my "Little Sister" QinQin. I'm very excited because, for one, it's an inspiration to cook a good meal, and two, we haven't gotten to really talk since the first time we met, and I would like find out more about my Chinese counterpart. :-) So that will come later tonight. And of course we have the fact that today Stella and I finally have our Modern class is pretty nice. I'm excited to see what the teacher will be like, and if I'm going to make an ass of myself this semester!!

Well, I'm kind of bored with myself right now, and I'm sure you are too... so I'm just going to stop here for now. Maybe later I can actually type something with substance and thoughtfulness!


it's so gray out...

Wow, so it's a little depressing looking out the window right now. I mean, I love rain, but this is a little ridiculous... it's not even raining right now, but it is so cold and so wet and so blah. GRAY! Yuck. And it seems like I have nothing I have to do right now, nothing to physically write down or complete, just stupid reading... and I hate that because it makes me feel like I'm forgetting something. But at the same time, there are so many people coming at me with thing we need to get done. I have to meet with a Professor about this self-paced class I'm doing, and have a WAC exec meeting to decide on goals and when elections will be, and a WAC full meeting, and meet with my foreign "Little Sister", and i have to meet with a friend from Chi O to give her all the info so she can do my job that I did last year, and meet with Lisa from my summer internship so that we can discuss my hours and responcibilities for me working there during the school year, and I know there has to be a ASA meeting soon, and... well, you get the idea. It just goes on and on.

And on top of that there are money issues, like the fact that I really need my financial aid check now so that i can use it for my credit card and for bills. But who knows when the hell its going to get here, so that is just one more stress. At least one good thing happened, in that i got my advisor to sign the sheet I need to make my one class Pass/Fail. That's a nice little lessening of stress, now i can focus all that energy onto my major classes. Thank God!

So with all these termultuous emotions, I really feel like I should put something meaningful and inspirational in my journal right now... so that in the least, I should really respond to that entry that I posted over a week ago now. But you know what? I don't think I can.
I'm so wiped out and so half asleep, and just not in a state of energy right now. All I want to do is go home, curl up in my bed with a cup of tea and a bowl of soup (and a Travis), listen to Pink Floyd and read a book. Is that so much to ask? Apparently, when school starts up, it is! I will be really happy when tomorrow comes! My weekend starts at 2. Hell yes.


what a weekend!!! (pt2)

So, after the Bachlorette Party ended we all passed out in our rooms at the loverly Crown Plaza hotel. Well, actually my roommate didn't pass out, she had sex... in the next bed... with my laying there awake... But details details!! Luckily Trav called me at that point from the Bachlor Party (in a Holiday Inn a few streets away) which was also ended, so when he asked me how I was, I told him that I was fine except for my roommate having sex in the next bed! :-D They got a lot quieter after that. Anyway, then it was time for some precious little sleep... (about 4 hours that night because my stupid ass body woke me up at about 8 o'clock am!).

we all eventually woke up and the girls and guys coordinated to check out of our hotels and meet up at Mary's parents place to head to lunch from there. We went to this nice golf club place right down the road and had an awesome lunch, then went back to Mary's until it was time to check into the Radisson, at 3, where everything else was being held. After we checked in we all tried to get a little less scuzzy and then my roommates (jon, ed, and trav) and I headed to the bar until the Rehearsal dinner at 6. Rehearsal dinner was awesome... this guy played music, and toward the end did this funny game show type game. The food was so good with ribs, fried chicken, cornbread, and samon. And desert of pecan pie and apple crisp. Of course, the open bar also assisted with the good times. After all that was over around 9 or so, we headed back to the hotel to take off our nice clothes and hit the bar. There we met the best bartender ever whom we called Captain. He was full of jokes and had our drinks down in no time flat... and even showed us some magic tricks! By the end of the night I could walk up to him and say, "one for me and one for my boy" and he had us covered, no explaining needed! Sleepy time after last call. And after way too much money down the drain!! Lol. ;-)

D-day for Mary and Casey... a bunch of the guys get up to go golfing with Casey. Trav and I decided to sleep in instead (neither of us can really golf anyway)! The wedding was to take place at 4:30, so after waking up and getting some lunch with Stu, we basically relax and got ready for the rest of the time. Okay, so the wedding... it was beautiful and very sweet. Mary looked beautiful in an off the shoulder satin gown with a see thru over lay on the skirt and a flowing train. Her bridesmaids all looked good in their soft green dresses as well. The guys looked great in their tuxes, and any Psi U there can tell you that we should all be impress with how they cleaned up!! As for the ceremony itself, it was a short one... but it was perfect that way. No one ever wondered how much longer, and it was still very romantic. Mary and Casey both got choked up as they said their vows, and I know that I had tears in my eyes too! Oh, and I had it in confidence from one of my good friends who was a groomsman... he wasn't dry eyed either. After that we headed to the Reception in a Huge room down the hall. I filled up on so many delicious hor'devors that I could hardly eat my dinner... which was also wonderful. And of course, there was the open bar!! Everyone danced... including my boyfriend, halleluah! :-) In fact, watching him try to sachet with Casey's mom while they were both wearing blow up clown shoes (compliments of Mr.B the DJ), was definitely one of the highlights of the evening for me! Another fun thing was getting the "Lehigh picture"... which obviously included Mary and Casey, and Mike, Elliot, Bromley, Meg M., and Pat - all from the wedding party, then there was Mary's dad, an aunt, and someone else in the family (i think), along with one of their family friends. All who went to Lehigh (a bit before us!). Then the guests... Rochelle, Pat, Jon, Ed, Kerrie and Squirrel, Grant, Stu, Trav and myself. Definitely a fun picture... and overall an incredible time.
After the reception we all headed back to the hotel. A bunch of us helped get Casey and Mary up to their Presidential suite in the hotel with all of their new stuff and then headed off to change. After that it was back to the hotel bar for another night hanging out with the Captain until last call!

A little rougher to wake up this morning, although my body again screwed with me and I was showering by 8:30. We were all up by 9:30 and showering to get ready for check out at 11, and brunch. A family friend of Mary's had everyone over for that. Then it was time to head home. Mike, Ed, and Jon were in one car... and Trav and I were in mine (with a brand new full tank of gas!). We all headed to Mike's (so Trav could grab his car), where we hung out until 7 or so before heading up to Lehigh. So I guess that's about all! It was definitely a good weekend, and a nice break from school. It was also such a sweet thing to see. If you'll bear with my sappiness for a second I can explain a reason why this weekend meant so much to me. First off, it was fun watching another "Psi U couple" get married... but especially since they got pinned right before Travis and I did. It's almost like they are an inspiration to us. We both told them this weekend that they give us a hint of what we have to look forward to. But yea, I won't make you listen to that anymore... ;-) And as this entry is very long, I think this would be a nice place to end it anyway!!


what a weekend!!

So here it is, another Monday. I can't believe it's only the second week of school. It already feels like we've been here for too long already. Of course I know that all too soon the time will be flying and I'll want it to slow down. Never quite happy, we stupid human's are... but anyway, I didn't want to get into that. What I wanted to do was tell you about my awesome weekend.

This weekend was Mary and Casey's wedding, and it was incredible. First off I left Thursday afternoon to attend the Bachlorette Party, in what turned out to be the most horrible trip ever! Luckily the weekend made up for the trip there because this is how badly my ride to Harrisburg went. First off I had it all planned out. I was going to leave at 2ish, right after being done with work. I was going to go and get my tires replaced and my oil changed, because both really needed to be done... and doing it before the 100 + mile trip seemed a good idea. So I get home and low and behold I'm blocked into the driveway. This is not a huge deal, except that I couldn't find Stella in the bookstore to let me out! So by the time I found her and moved the cars and returned her keys it was almost 3! (side note: this contains no ill will to Stella, it was definitly not her fault... it was just one of those things) I figure out that I'm only going to be able to get one of the two things done and decide to go with the tires considering I really couldn't drive above 30 in the rain with my old tires on. So I head to Sears tire service and talk to the guy... explaining my rush he checks out the statis of the garage and determines that they can have me out of there in an hour, no problem! That would be cutting it a little close, but I figure that's good enough. So I sit down to wait... and wait. . . . and wait! Two hours later they are finally done. Of course, I am none too happy about this. In fact it's fair to say that if that man hadn't conviently disappeared while I was waiting, he would have conviently ended up with one of my old tires shoved up his ass!

Finally I get on the road at 5 o'clock... I was supposed to be in Harrisburg (a 1.5 hour drive) between 5 and 6. So when I hit the road, I really hit the road. Thank God I didn't get pulled over because I didn't do below 70 the whole time... and for most of the ride I was doing much higer then that! I would have made it in an hour. I say would have except that 1 mile from my exit (which is only 5-10 minutes from the hotel we were meeting and staying at) my car dies. I will tell you why, but let me first tell you that I am not one of those stupid girls that doesn't pay attention to her car or know anything about her car. Well, in my haste I didn't pay enough attention to my gas gauge, and I had driven most of those 100 + miles to Harrisburg on fumes. So I then sat on hold with AAA for 30 minutes... after which I sat on the side of the road waiting for AAA for another 75 minutes! Finally I was able to complete my trip and arrive at the hotel around 8. How fun is that.

At least now the fun part really starts! :-)
When I caught up with the girls they were at a sports bar named Kokomo's. That place was great! Good food, and cheap at that! So we ate and drank and made sure Mary was constantly entertained! Then it was time to move on, so we headed down the street to Eclipse... which is an awesome bar/dance club. On the stage was this particularly horrid looking man doing the funniest dance ever. This ended up being where we stayed most of the night, because it was definitely way too much fun there. After that we hit another club called Dragonfly... but they played almost all rap and their drinks were expensive, and it was a little shaddy. So we headed back to Eclipse. And there we stayed until Mary was about to fall over around quarter of 2 or so in the morning. After that we chilled in the hotel for a while and played Bachlorette type games for a bit. There is more to it, but that would take forever... so let's just put it this way: Definitely a fun night!

Okay... i'm going to take a break, then type the rest of the weekend in another entry!!