Good Days and Bad Days
Then there are the days when I spend all morning at the computer trying to update my website, respond to emails, etc etc; when I get lost in distraction, bogged down by details, and I look around at the end of the day wondering what I really got done. Days when I answer yet another inquiry email, only to have it go nowhere and I wonder if I'm ever going to get more doula clients. Days when I feel like I'm not contributing enough, when I feel like the money I bring in isn't enough and the stuff I do around the house isn't enough, and like I'm just disappointing everyone. When I'm frustrated by it all and get short tempered and Gwen gets the worst of me and I feel like a bad mom. Days when I feel like only the dog isn't disappointed in me and then she wants to go for a walk when I'm in the middle of trying to finish something up, and now I've let her down too.
I love my jobs, but I find myself in this awkward place of trying to find the right balance between things. I wonder if I'll ever find a happy balance with two such different setups... one where I have regular hours, and one that's on call. I've turned down yoga classes because of wanting to be there for Gwen after school (and not wanting to pay for a sitter), which I'm so grateful I can do, but also feels crazy. I also need one more birth to get my certification, but a lot of the meetups and resources to connect doulas with people who want a doula, require you to be certified already; and I'm just having trouble connecting with clients. Everyone I've worked with has been thrilled, but that doesn't help when I just can't seem to make those initial connections.
The majority of the time things are good. Really good. We have so much to look forward to this year (travel and weddings and new parts of my careers)! Gwen and I have a lot of fun together. Travis and I laugh all the time. I love teaching. But I want to keep this place real and honest, and I wouldn't be honest if I didn't acknowledge the struggles too.