Patience and Prayer

Editor's Note: The hole I was in lasted 2 weeks+, and ended slowly (in steps) when I found movement and routine again. A reminder of just how important those things are to me and my mental health! 

This morning I headed out on my long walk with my phone tucked securely in my backpack. I'd gotten in the habit of listening to podcast or calling my Mom or my Babs to catch up. I love both of those things and what they feed me, but I realized that I needed something different today. So I walked and watched. Seeing squirrels doing their late summer work, wolf spiders venturing from their dens, a great egret making its journey. I listened to insects starting their final choruses, and birds singing their praises. I absorbed the surprisingly hot, late summer sun into my skin, and felt the slickness of the sweat it created along my spine. 

Mostly I noticed the thoughts that came up; the wanderings of my mind when left to its own devices. The grasshoppers brought to mind Mary Oliver, and led me inevitably to the question: "What will you do with your one wild and precious life?" I realized that this time of year I am often awash in impatience. I long to move past the heat and high energy of summer, and into the slowing coolness of autumn. I seek change and release, so find myself rushing and wishing away these last days before fall. As I found myself in my favorite strand of trees, I stopped to make an offering to Mother Earth, and the Goddesses Cerridwen and Madron (how interesting that I find myself most drawn to ones associated or known for Motherhood, as well as transformation). So often when we pray we ask, but I knew that this wasn't the time for request, but for thanks. I also made a promise ... the best offering I could offer was trust. I promised to trust in the divinity of perfect timing, to work on patience, and to use my own magic and divinity to support those of the Goddesses that support the Earth in her work. 

That timing is about more then just the autumn. Lately 13-year old words and 41-year old words find themself missing the mark, and sometimes I wish the days into evenings (and bedtimes...); but just as often I find myself lamenting that time passing, each day drawing us closer to lasts and goodbyes. While my desire to autumn is understandable (I think), each new autumn marks one year closer to Gwen's eventual departure, and as hard as this season of our relationship may be (at points, because there is also so much wonder in it), I can't bring myself to think too hard on the season when she no longer calls my home hers. Its honestly too much for my heart to even imagine. So in this season I make a promise of patience: for her, for the passing of time, and for me. I pray and work everyday magic with the guidance of Goddess from long ago times and far away places, knowing their distance only makes their wisdom more potent and knowing. 

And on Sundays I walk, covering distance, while being more present; savoring these sweet moments while they last. What do you pray for?


September 1

 I just opened my "Blogs" folder on a whim and was sad to see how many aren't there anymore... but I guess I'm not either. I caught up on a years worth of news from the ones that were left, and spent a moment being wistful for pre-2020 one last time. Fitting as Gwen just tested positive for COVID this morning. Three and a half years, it finally got one of us. 

Time keeps ticking by, and everything changes while so much stays the same. There is a Welsh word I learned recently, "Hiraeth," which doesn't have a direct English translation, but basically is a longing or homesickness, but even more so it's a sense of incompleteness that leaves you feeling unfulfilled. Its a deep aching for a place that you might not have even been yet. Go figure that the word I was looking for all along was hidden in the language of my ancestors. I long for a forever home to call our own, I long for Wales, I long for a settledness that I am missing. I probably shouldn't be blogging while I'm home with an isolating, sick teen... it apparently makes me melancholy! 

Don't get me wrong: I am grateful that I can easily be here for her. Some of those changes over the past year are releasing my Necrocartography job in preparation for a fuller yoga schedule starting next year. That extra time was a huge relief during our summer travels*, and even more so now. My doula client for September went at the very start of my on-call period, thus ensuring quarantining didn't keep me from attending her labor. And Labor Day gives us an extra day to recover (which she does seem to be doing now, 3 days in). Plenty to appreciate about in this whole mess. 

I also just appreciate that its September. While its still hot as Hades at the moment, this starts the counting down to the first days of Autumn, and our Mabon celebration; then October (my favorite month of the year) with our Anniversary, some camping over Fall Break, and Halloween of course. And so much more! I might have a touch of the ennui at the moment, but I know there is so much to be excited for. 

* for posterity: We drove about 913 miles the first day (over 13 hours), stopping at a random hotel before continuing on to Andy, Megan, and Wyatt's the following day. We stayed there two nights before heading to see my parent's amazing friends, George and Mary in the Finger Lake's area of New York. Then it was on to two night with Trav's Uncles in Massachusetts, before heading onto the Cape for 5 days. On to my Parent's place after that for 5 nights, then down Philly for the day. Spent that night with my Aunt & Uncle, before heading West. One night in a random hotel then it was on to Amanda Panda, Parker, and Penny's for two nights. After that we booked it home, and couldn't have been happier to be in our own beds!