There's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. -American Beauty

Monday monday...

Well it's Monday morning... blah. Probably my least favorite time of the week. I'm still tired, and I'm missing the weekend which just ended. I really don't want to do work. Well really, since our network is currently down... there isn't much work I can do! I can bum around on the internet, but that's about it.
So I've come here to write, just as I have many times in the past week or so, but everytime I've just sat here and stared at the cursor... blinking... just waiting for me to give it something to write. And everytime I've drawn a blank. That cursor is full of so much expectation... and I just didn't think I could know what I needed to say, or how to say it, so that I could fulfill all that expectation. So I would logout and surf on, and that was that.

But here I am again... and at least this time I've given it a start. It comes a little easier after that. Not much, but a little. Your fingers just want to keep typing, and your eyes long for the words that you know are going to pop up onto the screen.

So I could talk about the weekend... about going to Willy's, about the ups and downs just in these two days regarding house searches, about going to see 'Hide and Seek', and about cooking yummy meals and making that great salad that Travis' mom made for us. But I don't want to.

Or I could talk about my longing for the next two years to just be done with, so that I could wake up, and be in the house that I own with my husband... and not have to worry about all the planning that is needed for both of those big events. And I could talk about how I do enjoying trying to figure out the details, but that I am completely overwhelmed with them at the same time. But I don't want to.

I could talk about my renewed faith in God that has come about almost mystically in the past week and a half or so... and about how it makes me feel so much better about life in some ways, but so much more confused in others. But I don't want to talk about that either.

I guess there is just too much swimming around in my head right now, and I don't want to really focus on any one piece of it... raise that piece up and make it even more overwhelming then it is already. So I'll just forget about it for now and talk about nothing.


a real place of our own

So the next new adventure...
After a weekend with Travis' parents, and much discussion/debate, we are finally in agreement with them that perhaps it would be better to go for a house instead of another apartment when we move in June. With what we are paying for rent right now, we could be paying for a mortgage on a place of our own. Then instead of rent being like throwing money away, its an investment instead. We have the resources for a nice sized down-payment... and doing it now would still give us time to plan/save for the wedding. So it seems that as of last night, Sunday the 23rd (hey, one month of engagement!), we are officially house hunting.
Nothing really big... just a 2 or so bedroom townhouse would be just perfect. Enough so that we have a place of our own, a place to start off with (until kid time perhaps)... but not too big that we are lost in it or that it is half-empty. This is very exciting. We've been thinking about it for a long time, but this weekend we really weighed out the pros and cons... the money we will be saving, the same time the debt we will be tying ourselves to. Our own place, having to do our own up keep. With all that, we've decided to really go for it. It makes sense for us. Not to say that if we don't find something by moving time, we will settle. No, if that's the case we will go with an apartment for the time being. But I don't think that we will have that problem... I really couldn't be more excited about the future, and about our plans.
(As ST would say, "How grown up".)

So if anyone is interested in assisting in the wedding planning or house hunting... you just let me know!!!!!!


not that late... and music

Here I am, just relaxing by myself... both the boys are asleep. Trav around 9:30, and mike around 10:30... so I am just listening to music and relaxing in my meloncolie. It's not bad. I actually haven't gotten to be truly alone in a while. Just to feel my happy or sad or mellow or whatever feelings, as I want to feel them, and not be distracted by others. Right now I am listening to Fisher "I Will Love You"... and am meloncolie. But I suppose I am picking much mellower songs on purpose so...

Now on to Cranberries "Dream" which is a great song. It makes me feel young and vulnerable to listen to it.

Today was interesting... day was just a day basically, except that I felt a little jumpy, and like something was going to happen. Didn't pan out that way, which is just fine with me... but the whole day I felt like I was forgeting something or should be looking over my shoulder.
And then this evening. Hmm. Well, the boys decided to have some fun at my expense... which ended up backfiring on them, but really kind of hurt my feelings in the longrun. Not their intent, but that's what happened.

I just have this deep-seeded feeling that people just love to have a laugh at my expense because its easy to take advantage of my emotions. I love to take care of people... especially my good friends, so if something happens to them I do what I can to be there for them. I guess that just makes me an easy target.

"And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me..."

Maybe I should just not care anymore. Obviously this doesn't apply to Travis or Babs, or the like... but really, right now I wouldn't mind telling most others to f* off.
My "list" just got a lot shorter.

Tomorrow should be great too: Heather is coming over... my babwa, my oldest friend. It's always an experience when we get together. We have simply known each other for so long that an hour of silence feels so comfortable. We've grown so much, and changed so much, and we are so different now then when we started the friendship... but its just great because we still know each other like no one else does, and she makes me think of myself and my thoughts/actions/feelings in completely different ways then I would on my own. We offer each other perspective in unique ways. So tomorrow should be wonderful.
We are going to look at some bridal mags, and get some ideas. I have the feeling that this will make me feel like the biggest little kid.

"No Women No Cry"... the version where you can hear the audience in the background start to sing when they start playing the music. So great.

I'm reading "The Catcher in the Rye" right now... amazing to say, but i've never read it before. So far it is good. One of books that flows exactly like brain thoughts. It's like its purposely a slightly choppy flow, so that occationally you have to pause and catch your breathe.

Just got done with "Animal Farm" which is an amazing book, and completely dripping with such sarcasm and hidden political wit and scorn... even for a satire, its laid on thick. Loved it.
Wonder if GW has ever read it?

But if you haven't, then you should.

On to random songs from the Gladiator Soundtrack. Such great earthy primal sounds. I particularly love, "Now We are Free"... the song from the very end, when he is running to his wife and son...
Have to throw some classics in... "Stairway to Heaven" and "Wish You Were Here", which is possibly one of my favorite songs of all times.

Okay, time to just lounge, listen and perhaps read.


Wow, 2005.

Wow, I can't believe it is 2005 already! I mean... it was just Halloween yesterday, wasn't it?
This year has gone so fast and been so amazing, and I really can't believe it is over. It has held so much...

having surgury in feb.
graduation in may
moving to the Philly area with Trav and Mike
getting my first 9-5
turning 22
seeing the Eagles play
going to China
voting in my first Presidential election
cursing the outcome of the election
celebrating 4 years with Trav
watching Pat & Ro get engaged
getting engaged myself!

And those were just the "biggies". That's not even including the ever changing relationships with all those I love. The realizations of who really is/isn't my friends, and then the re-realization of who is/isn't my friends! Not including completely adjusting my life by moving from Lehigh, which had been my home for the previous four years, to come down to West Chester. And then falling in love with Philly, and with my new life with Travis. Of course there was also the changing and void that occured due to the natural seperation that happens when you suddenly don't live within 10 minutes walking distance of 95% of your closest friends. My complete lack of phone-drive doesn't help either... since most of my calls consist of calling Mike or Trav to ask such banal things as "who's getting the milk?" or "what's for dinner tonight?" But its nice to realize as well, that the named seperation doesn't mean ending friendships... as referenced by my impromtu visit and the following 30 minutes spent in a semi-circle on the bathroom floor, talking and laughing (Lauren!)... and by the great shopping trip with Stella (whom I still need to give her Christmas present to!). I guess these are all just things that are a natural progression of life, and as they say "c'est la vie".

(Okay, just looked around and realized I need to clean the apartment... it is so messy. It looks like Christmas morning here, boxes thrown about, presents under our 2 foot fiber-optic tree, empty champagne bottles, and pieces of paper. But that is a side note really.)

I really am happy right now though. My job, though still just on the okay side of unbearable, is at least secure. And my coworkers couldn't be more wonderful (as referenced by the dozen pink roses in a vase on our dining room table)... so they are they only thing that make work managable. Home arrangement are okay... Mike and Megan V. are doing great, so he is up there a lot. Trav and I like that they are happy, and like that we have all that time to ourselves! Living with Mike is nice, but we are very excited for getting our own place. It's just time. Plus I think that we all shouldn't really live together... he's a great guy, but we're just too different. Or too much the same, I haven't really decided. But that too is fine for now.

Trav and I are wonderful. Truly enjoying our time together and this new stage in our relationship. The engagement and the holidays really made us realize what is and isn't important for our relationship, and we appreciate what we have now, so much more. It's hard to explain, but there is this new comfort level, and a new relaxation about doing special things for each other. It comes so easily.

There is so much more to write about too... details of the engagement, of Christmas, of last night. So many days have come and gone since I last wrote in here... but its just too beautiful at the moment to try to think about them. I don't want to worry about details now.
So I'll close for now, and say love to all... enjoy this gorgeous new years day. Hopefully this is a sign of what the new year is to bring... I would love that.

Ciao 2004!!!

Ni Hao 2005!!!!!!!!!!