Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween All...
Just found a fun quote I though I would share:
"Are Americans charitable and caring? Or selfish and rude? Or perhaps we run the whole gammit, being one of the few places free enough to be entirely human... born of a free spirit." - Walter McDougall
Keep that in mind.
Tuesday November 2nd, VOTE!


make your voice heard.

I have a new found respect for Enimen. Here are my thoughts in song form, I really have to say.

Imagine it pourin’, it's rainin’ down on us
Moshpits outside the oval office
Someone’s tryin to tell us something
Maybe this is God just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster - this coward that we have empowered
This is Bin Laden
Look at his head noddin’
How could we allow something like this without pumpin' our fists
Now, this is our final hour
Let me be the voice, and your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify it, times it, and multiply it by sixteen million
People are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach al CIAda through my speech
Let the president answer our high anarchy
Strap him with a AK-47, let him go fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare to trick us to thinking that we ain’t loyal
If we don’t serve our own country, we’re patronizing our hero
Look in his eyes, its all lies
The stars and stripes, have been swiped
Washed out and wiped and replaced with his own face
Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight, you’ll know why
‘Cuz I told you to fight

Also, check out this link from the New Yorker... it's a very well written piece. And thanks to Stella for both of these!

What I don't understand is people who, despite all that has occurred and the huge emotional pull this impending election has spawned, have no intentions of voting. I really don't care who you are voting for people... obviously from the above you can tell who I am voting for, but really, either way... JUST VOTE! We are so lucky to be living in a nation where you do get to vote to decide your officials. Not only that but do it safely. As that commercial says, you wouldn't let someone else choose what job you will do, or who you will marry, or how you feel... why let someone else decide who will run your country.


short and long term goals

Well, first off, let me state the obvious... that working through the weekend sucks. I know you all know that, but it really does. Especially when you are working full time and salaried, and that is that and you don't get any time off really to compensate, except for coming into work on monday at lunch time. Oh well. Not too much I can do about that.
So, to move on... I was working late this weekend at a thing that I had largely planned for my empolyer, and it was very nerve-racking, but it the end turned out very well, and I'm happy. My boss was too, which in this case, might be a little more important. But the only problem, was that I was a bit bored all weekend. It was all speakers, tons of them, and while they were very good... and the topic was very good... I find that on a beautiful Saturday, it is very hard for me to concentrate on anything for too long a period of time. And 9am to 9pm is too long (plus 8-1 on Sunday)!
So... instead I found myself thinking about all sorts of things that I normally don't have the time to just sit and think about. Wedding details, not just for myself but for my Ro as well... and for Espo, who's wedding I missed this past weekend... but of course, for Trav and I as well. I thought about China, and wrote some not too bad "feeling narratives", representing not only my feelings there, but my feelings about it now. Something I hope to keep doing until I have something about each major place we went, because I know that the longer I wait - the harder it will be, and the more my memories will fade. Which I can hopefully prevent with these narratives and my pictures, which I am going to be putting together in a scrapbook/travel journal of sorts. I'm very excited about that project, which I think will turn out beautifully in the end.
The third thing I really thought about, is something that I had considered before, but not in such depth. That is my short and long term goals in life. In this, I actually sat down and wrote out a listing of my personal goals or wishes for in my lifetime, about 12 of them total, and then went through them to decide if they were really short term goals, mid-term goals, or long-term goals. Most of them were long term. I see this as actually a good thing. Short-term goals are good, and quite necessary, but in over abundance they become a distraction from the grander things that we really want for ourselves, from the more important things in life. And while all long-term goals will, eventually, become short term goals... we really need to have both to be balanced. So while for now my biggest goal is to excel in my new position at work (and in doing so, knock the socks off of the President of the Institute!); I have many more long term goals that will give me something to work towards. I also found, that while all of my goals are important to me, and I plan on knocking at least 11 or the 12 off before I get too old to do so, really there are only 2 or 3 that are vital to my happiness... and the rest are just icing on the cake, things that would make me feel more fulfilled and successful.

So here is a partial of my list, with vitals in red (my list is sitting in my car, so I'm not going to go get that right now, but I will remember as many as possible without f*ing them up!):
1. To learn Chinese.
2. To get my M.A. (and possibly a Ph.D) in Asian Studies, Conflict Resolution, Non-Proliferationn Studies, or something that embraces one of those.
3. To get a job that makes me feel challenged, and something I would be truly proud of... working as a researcher, working for the government, or working in cultural awareness for a big international company.
4. To get completely out of debt, and be able to save a good deal of money towards important life points (specifically for a. wedding expenses, b. buying a house, c. money for children's futures, and d. toward retirement).
5. To visit China again, and take Trav with me, so he can see this place that has enchanted me for as long as I can remember.
6. To travel and see more of the world: Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Japan, the Congo, Italy... etc!
7. To find some simplicity in my life, some organization. Sounds a bit stupid... but to just got through all my things and either get rid of it if its not important to me, or store it properly if it is. To go thru all of my old clothes and dump the ones that I'm never going to wear again, but that I keep holding on to for one reason or another. Clutter really can make your whole life seem more scattered.

So those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head that aren't too personal to get into. If you notice, many of them will fall back onto number 4. Sad, cruel fact of life... money runs the world.

Well, anyway... I guess that's enough rambling for now. I'm going to take a nice long shower.

Zai jian!


Autumn, and daydreams...

So its been over a month since I updated... but I really had to force myself even to do it now.
Sometime I just have too much going on in my head and I can't even make sense of it, and the idea of trying to get it out so that others can try to make sense of it is overwhelming! This would be one of those times.

Various things in my head right now:

So where do I start? It's not with China, that's for sure. I can't even begin... I loved it there so much, and I would love to return. I'm already dreaming about going back... but already the memories are becoming distant, and sureal; as if in some museum and covered with glass. This weekend we are having a brief "reunion" for those that went on the trip, and I'm hoping that will get ride of some of the fog. Until I actually write about my trip, I will give you these two pictures...

Sean (head of the bar staff on our boat) and I dressed as emperor and emperess... He was my China crush.

Dave and I on the deck of the boat on the Yangzhe River...

As for autumn, well that is just a feeling more then an actual thought chain. I adore Autumn!! It is my absolute favorite time of year. Pumpkin carving and hay rides. Halloween and warm apple cider. I'm definitely happy to be living it right now... the crisp nights and vivid colors... it does wonders for my mood and my overall outlook. How can I be bitter-sweet about life when the world just looks gorgeous?

Then there is work. It's really not so bad... but I'm just tired of doing something that is rather mindless and boring a lot of the time. I crave the days when I'm so busy that I don't have time to stop and think about how boring and meaningless my job can seem. I mean, its a job, and its fine. Someone has to do it... and there are time when I realize how important it is that they have someone to do the things I do. But that someone doesn't have to be me! I need to start looking for something better, but the problem is: I don't know where to look! I need to go back to grad school... but most of them require things for entry, which I can't offer (a language requirement, a GPA just beyond my reach in undergrad, or a super essay which I don't currently have the time to write). I know that I just need to decide where my focus lies, and go for it... but sometimes that is easier said then done. Most of the time I really don't know what I want, but I know that this is not it. I have been daydreaming a lot lately... of a great job with decent pay, that needs me for 3-4 days a week... even if they are long days. That would be so ideal. I miss being outside during the day. I miss being able to be on top of laundry and cleaning and errands. I don't want to waste my weekends on such things! My daydream for the past few weeks has been of an eccentric professor of IR or foreign policy or the like, or even better of Asian Studies/Chinese, who needs a research assistant. That is my dream. That is what I want to do. He can do the practical application... and if he wants a general sounding board, or someone to co-write a paper with him, I am all about that... but I want my hands in the research. But that is really just a daydream.

As for anniversaries... well Trav and mine is next week, on the 13th. It will be 4 years for us. I'm a bit excited because it is his turn to plan this year, and he has been shooting off some nice ideas. He already told me he has the day off of work, and that he should come into the city so that we can do lunch. I'm very excited about that. :-) I'm expecting he will probably cook us a night dinner or something along those lines, but we will have to wait and see. This year we decided to just tell each other what we need right now... it sounds so practical, and the gifts aren't the most exciting (work shirts for me, a new feather pillow and colgne for him). But it really works for what we are trying to do. Saving is top priority, and so getting each other a bunch of stuff that is cute, but unnecessary just seems stupid. So this works.

Other exciting news... this weekend Rochelle and I are going wedding dress shopping (for her not me). Her and Pat are getting married next year, and I'm honored to be one of the bridesmaids. It's very exciting, and watching her plan is giving me something to look forward to.

Well, that is enough for now. I have so much more floating around my head... but I should get back to work. I do have boring things to do you know... ;-)

Zai jian!!!


Long Weekend, and then....

(Have to find a festive fall color, because I'm longing for Autumn already!!):
I'm very excited that it is Thursday already. As Tim says, "We are now on the right side of Wednesday!" Amen to that. It's been a long week already, even though it went rather fast. I know, figure that one out. I'm excited about all the things coming up. (Including my oh so hot Beef Stew that I made in the crock pot for tonights dinner, and my new Vera Bradley purse which I won on Ebay, which will arrive today!)
Tomorrow after work Trav and I are meeting up at Willy's place to see his parents who are coming in this weekend so that they can see me before I leave. We should have a nice dinner (and probably a few drinks!), and we haven't seen them in a while so it should be fun.
Saturday I'm definitely sleeping in! I've been having so much trouble falling asleep at night lately, and its making my mornings miserable. After that I have an appointment for a leg and eyebrow wax at 11 (ouch!!!! but at least no shaving for China). Then I am going to lunch at Miyano's house so I can see her, Hiro, and my birthday baby Yu-Yu (a ripe 20 days old on Saturday)... plus meet her mom before she goes back to Japan. Very exciting. After that I'm not sure yet... hopefully Megan will be down and we will get to play some rousing rounds of putt-putt (boy vs. girl, i believe). And there is always Ro's BBQ.
Sunday, maybe a BBQ at Bri's... unless Trav's parents want to do something.
Monday, maybe up to Lehigh? Not sure yet on that one.
Then Tuesday it will be time to finish all last minute packing/buying/etc for China, because at a nice early 3:15am (Wednesday) Trav and I will be heading to Newark for my 7am flight to San Fransico. I will have a 4 hour layover there, and then its on to China for two weeks. It's unbelievalbe that it is so soon!!!!! I don't think the reality of it has completely sunk in yet, but I'm definitely getting butterflies just thinking about it.

Okay, random change of subject: So Stella and I talked briefly about my feelings of yearning for Lehigh. It was nice to talk to her, no matter how brief (see below, my "Friends List"). I really do miss Lehigh horribly... I'm enjoying my life here so much (especially having weekends like this one, and having them undisturbed by homework), but sometimes I still get very reminiscent, and very nostgalic for Lehigh and everyone there. I miss nights at the house (Psi U!), running into people randomly on campus, amusing teachers, and always being walking distance to a friend's house (but too lazy to walk it!). I miss late night drunken runs to WaWas, football games, weekend brunches at Wendy's, and picking up in the middle of the afternoon to go to the beach just because you can. I miss taking the whole day off because your morning class was cancelled.
Of course there are things that I don't miss. Homework, tests, late late nights when followed by (what I thought were) early mornings, and jerky teachers. But it was just so nice having all friends within reach, and not having to work at it. I suppose everything is a trade off.

Get right down to it though, and I am very happy. I have so much fun living with Trav and Mike, love having my nights completely free, and am actually working on bring my debt level down, instead of building it up! Yay for that. This has brought me in the past few weeks to make some decisions about priorities in my life however. I have decided that having little luxeries now is less important then paying off my credit card, and paying down my student loans faster then is neccesary. I know what you are thinking, leg waxes meg, not a luxery? Well, I do allow myself some give on this one just so I don't feel like I'm working my butt off for nothing. But paying off my CC so that I can stop being in the red, so that I can save lots towards "future stuff" (wedding, new car, house, etc) in very important.
Also high on my list is Travis, and continuing to build our relationship. I've talked before about our walks that we take, and they are very important to me... not only for how good they are for us physically, but also how great they are in giving us some alone time to just talk and vent and be together. It's great. There are actually relatively few other things on my list of priorities right now: staying close with my family, working on getting into the groove of a healthy lifestyle (exercise and eating better), and my friends.

Here is where the aforementioned "Friends List" comes into play. More accurately its my "Friends to Stay Attached to" list. I will be the first to admit that I suck at keeping in touch with people. Its very true. I don't just automatically pick up the phone and call people... I will go crazy and email everyone, then have a few busy weeks and not email a soul. IM is a lifesaver, but its no replacement for actual conversation. So, I made a list. Now this idea might offend some, but I did it for pure reasons. I have lots of people that I think are great. ST for example (I'm not going to use any names here, except for Stella's because I think she won't mind!), who is such a fun person to hang out with, but when it comes down to it is just an acquaintance. We had a bunch of classes together, and toward the end of my senior year got to the point where we might meet up to study together, or otherwise chill in some school related way, or even call if we were rather bored... but we wouldn't call each other to go to the movies, and so she did not make the list.
As sad as it is, because had we been where we were the end of my senior year at, say the end of my junior year, we might actually very close now... but I realized that it would be an uphill battle to maintain this friendship... and that I would most likely be the only one fighting for it. So I'll definitely IM here now and again, but I'm not going to feel sad about letting that go.
Stella on the other hand, I've known since freshman year. She's been there for some of my happiest moments, and she's seen me at some 'not so pretty' moments. And she still likes me! Stella is a definite friend, who is also willing to put forth effort to keep in touch. She definitely made the list. Now you might be asking yourself, what the hell exactly is this list.
Okay, so my "Friends List" ("FL") is really this simple: I know that I am not capable of keeping up with every single person that I have become 'friends' with over my years at Lehigh, and my years (period). So while not ending any friendships, or the like, the people on the "FL" are those that I am going to actively work to maintain my friendships with. If it means dropping emails periodically, randomly calling, or making the extra effort to see them, I want to keep the friendship going. I still might not see or talk to this person all the time, but they are someone who will know that if they need me I am there. Others may get the occational IM, or the seek out at a party, but "FL" people I will actively attempt to keep close for years to come. Now it is true that some people might eventually fall off the list, but that would take something big... or a mutual decision to think of each other now and again, with the occational email, but nothing more. And of course, new people will come along that may get added to the list as well. But for now this gives me something solid to use to help me feel like my life is balanced, and like the nostgalia for Lehigh isn't something to be sad about, because I still have great friends.
I suppose all this does is affirm my already overwhelming need for structure, order, and normalicy in my life in times of change. Well this is enough for now... I've spent my whole lunch break writing instead of eating!
Back to work and maybe I will write again before China. But if not, see you in a few weeks!!


9 days to go

So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

So, I'm almost completely packed for China... as much as I can be without packing things that I will need for this week and weekend. Yes, it is that close. --- insert feelings of excitement here... ---

Countdown to China:
about 9 days, and counting.

Last minute things to do:
1. get eyebrows waxed so as not to scare away friendly chinese people
2. get legs waxed so I don't have to worry about shaving them! (and so i don't scare away anyone when i put on a bathing suit!)
3. get cash in "clean" unmarred/unripped bills, that will be accepted in China
4. fill pill prescription so that Trav and I don't make babys when we say goodbye or when we celebrate my return. (i know, too much info)

That is really about it. It's so hard to believe. I thought these past few months were going to go slower then they did, and at times it seemed that they were. But suddenly, here is the thing that I have been waiting for... its here.

---again insert excitement here... but something else too. maybe a little trepidation? ---


Chasing a dream.

Some moments are so surreal you aren't sure if you are really even in them or not. After a wonderful day yesterday, with one of Mike, Trav, and my hours long sushi events... and a nice walk with Trav... well, the tired angryness of this morning was not welcome.
But the real surreal feelings came when I was walking from the train station to work.
There was a guy walking in front of me... at a pace just ever so slightly faster then what I was doing... smoking a clove. That smell. I don't know if I've had something bring back memories the way that smell did. The distinctive clove smoke is one line playing throughout all my time at Lehigh. Dave smoked them, Bo smoked them, I smoked them, Jon smoked them... etc. I would grab them before going to meet Trav between classes, when we would sit outside with Cali Chris to have a clove and some lunch. There are much more concrete memories now that I can sit here and think of them. But at the time it was mostly these memories of feelings.
So strong that it almost bowed me over, and yet fleeting so I couldn't quite grab them.
And though I tried to speed up, it was too late, and he was gone...

And I was left feeling like I was chasing a dream.


Back to Lehigh.... no wait.

It's so weird stilling here at my desk, reading all the away messages about people heading back to Lehigh and starting classes... and me, instead here in Philly, working.
It's so odd.
Not bad, but I guess it really drove home, that for the first time in over 16 years, I'm not returning to school. I'm done... in the "real world"... I guess now I'm grown up. I guess it drove home some other things too. Like that fact that everytime I said that I couldn't wait to get to the "real world" and "start my life", I was actually just being full of it. Everyday from the moment you are born, you are in the real world, and that is your life. There is nothing else except what you do in all these modest daily journeys! Getting up every morning and going to class or work or whatever, that is what life is about. It's about interacting with those around you and just enjoying every moment. In some ways this makes me happy.

Like last night for example, Travis and I went for a nice walk. We've tried to make this a habit, although so far we've only done it twice! I guess you have to start somewhere though. Well the night was gorgeous... great weather (mid-60s) with no one around and billions of stars to look at. We just walked around at a nice leasurely pace and talked about whatever happened to be on our mind at the moment. I couldn't have been happier. I truly believe those are the best moments... the ones you just wish would stretch on and on, when you are at peace with everything around you.

Other times though it makes me sad to realize that this is my life... a job that leaves me only semi-fulfilled... debt that scares me, not because it is that much, but because it is just enough to keep me from being able to save right now. These things make me wish that I really could look forward to "starting my life". Saying to myself that my trip to China will really be living, or that once I get a better job my life will be more complete. But the truth of the matter is: THIS IS LIFE!
Every little facit of my job, my apartment, my surroundings, my interactions... the good and the bad parts... they are all my life, and always have been. While China will be truly amazing, and a better job would be nice... they won't make my life, but will simply be another aspect of it.

While it is still weird not heading back to Lehigh, I'm feeling a little better about it. It's a trade off really. If I were back at Lehigh, I wouldn't get to wake up next to Trav every morning, or take our evening walks... two of my favorite things about my life right now. Sure I miss my friends, but I know that the distance doesn't make them less of a friend... it just means I have to work on it a little more, and take a little more on faith.

Enjoy your life Lehigh'er... you're in the middle of the real world right now. Something which suddenly couldn't be clearer to me.



Years pass in just months...

Wow, it feels like years since I've last written... even though its only been months.
Even now I can't really write as I have to do my work thing. But life has been good lately. I'm okay with my job for now... hoping it will get better, but it's okay for now. I'm trying to pay down all my massive amounts of debt... wish me luck with that one.

Living with Travis is just absolutely wonderful. Getting to wake up next to him every morning makes the days so much better. Makes it harder to get out of bed though... ;-)

I have so much to look forward to right now as well. I have my birthday this weekend, as well as a bachlorette party, next weekend going out to dinner at Morimoto's with friends, seeing Travis' parents, and then of course there is CHINA!!!!!!!!!! Less then a month to go for that one. Damn, that will be incredible.
Okay, this is so short and doesn't update much of anything.. but it will have to do for now.

I will write more later.


don't want to be, anything other then me

"I don't have to be anything other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going,
is knowing where I'm coming from
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me"

~I Don't Want To Be (Gavin Degraw)


some things

I keep talking about how excited I am to leave. About how good it will be to get out. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life... But sometimes it just seems like its all moving too fast.
There are so many things I don't want to leave behind.

My roommates, simplicity, my freedom to not get up in the morning, and being able to walk to most of my friends houses.
There are things I'm going to miss so badly.

I have this reopened wound now. The past year and a half I've been able to forget it... but now, as always before, just when I feel like the soreness is gone, it comes back. With a vengence.

"Welcome Brothers old and young, welcome every loyal son..."
Sometimes words are not enough, and peoples sorry's aren't enough, and the fact that "i'm as much a 'chosen few' as anyone else" is not fucking enough....
Sometimes words where actions should have been are just not enough.

And when it comes at a time like this, with every other feeling piling on, it just hurts extra badly. I will miss Lehigh despite everything. And I will miss that one part especially. I've spent a good part of my four years there!
I'm ready to move forward. But maybe my heart is still hanging on.



It's beautiful out, with the sky so blue, and the sun finally offering some true warmth. It's great... I've been needing this little lift. It's so hard to be happy and energetic when it is dismal and cold. And believe me, with only two weeks left, I need to at least be energetic!

From the archives:
My tears flow like red wine,
(so expensive) they cost me so much,
I bought them with anger and a fight,
only to be cryed away again,
to leave me so alone,
with blood red stains on my cheeks,
the path of tears (love) gone by,
going on to the next ready drinker,
already half drunk on desire,
ready to be tipped with love,
and i am left with an empty bottle,
so sharp i cut myself and cause the tears to restart,
and the blood on my finger tastes like wine,
(like red wine) the stuff on my cheeks,
more stains on my dress,
no longer the white of purity,
I'm tarnished by the smell of blood,
(oh god is some of that his)
he did come in the broken bottle,
but now the bottles gone,
why is my blood still flowing like tears...

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.
I look around and see this thing in certain people, and wish the I could talk to myself from the past and give heart:
"While to be different now is painful, and all you want to do is kill this thing inside of you that causes this difference... in the future you will want it, and you will miss it horribly, and it would be an advantage."
I suppose it is too late now though... hence the second feeling. I suppose I've finally resigned myself to that fact.

Off to my dreams, where I'm a pirate with a private beach, a bottle of rum, and my (scantily clad) cutie by my side.


twice in one month...

... Isn't it a red letter day?!

Well, my first paper of many is complete, and it's such a nice feeling. I need these little accomplishments, be they as pointless as a school paper, to make myself feel adeqate in everyday life.
If only I didn't have to get bogged down in this life.

Work in Progress:
unbenounced to me
i have become afraid
with little echos of loneliness
that run around my head
and little aches of tenderness
that only he can calm
and i'm always left wondering
how it is so long

who am i to say
that life is where i am
with friends that leave me lacking
and promises to damn
for all the world is snacking
on the innocence at hand
and all just finds us twisting
in an attempt to understand


its that time of month... (no, not that time)

Well, it seems that my updating has been downsized to once a month. Too many things to do, too little time to do it in. This past month has been crazy hectic!!! First there was Spring Break, which was so much fun, and just incredible. The sun, the warmth, the fun drunken nights. It was a truly great time. Then I come back to school and it is sheer madness. The amount of work to get done, ugh. I've been living in the library ever since. Which, if you read my info/away messages, you know! I've deteriorated from just being in the library, into something reminicant of tourture, and the library is my chamber. As Lauren put it, "I'm so happy that you relax on the weekends because your away messages made me thing I would find you hanging yourself in the corner of the library one of these nights." It has just been that much fun.

On a lighter note, this month has also found me being pursued by a UPS man (he's cute)... to which I had to nicely tell him that "no, I really do love my boyfriend and want to stay with him (travis him)", and "no, I would not have an affair with him (UPS man him)". It at least made me laugh... especially after I saw him today while on my way to the library, and finally established that travis is the man, and he could only be my friend, and promises of no shaddiness. Ahhh yes.
Unfortunately today also marks the again postponement of my dream of working for the government, as this was the date that I was supposed to hear back from them by, if I was going to be continuing with the process of getting a job. I am sad about this, but I'm not going to let it ruin my day. Right now I'm almost looking forward to graduating and being "unemployed" for a little... (the quotes because there is no way I will be truly unemployed; if need be I will continue with one or two of my three current part-time jobs until I find something permanant.) I mean, obviously I would rather find something and know exactly what I would be doing, and where my money will be coming from... travis and I will be moving in together and I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him (financially or otherwise). But if that is not possible, then I realize that stressing about the situation will resolve it no faster.

Well, anyway... I should really get back to work. So far my day has been pretty productive; however I just realized that my first paper (of many) is due in just two weeks! So, I figure I should get my ass moving on that. Wish me luck and leave me love.



Stella is back... :-) and SPRING BREAK!!!

I'm excited because Stella's journal is back to being updated. Silliness I know, but I like being able to read my friend's thoughts, and keep up with their lives in "book form".

Anyway, welcome to March. Can't believe its here. I have so much to do. Research, reading, studying, writing, etc. I really feel like I am not getting things done as I need to, and in the end I will be stuck. I hope I am wrong. Happier note is that I think I may have found a "job lead" that will really pan out. Keep your fingers crossed for me... but that is all I will say until its past the point that I can jinx it!!

Spring Break is only 4 days away... I am very ready and definitely need this. I keep telling myself... if only I can power my way through this week and the tons of work I have to do, then next week I will get to do blessed nothing! Sun, swim, eat, drink, dance, and sleep. I can live with that.

Alright... back to work for me. Leave me something. :-)

Count Down:

4 days to Spring Break!!

2 months to Last Day of Class ever!

2 months, 1 week to Italy (if I get a job and can pay for Hannah... boo.)

2 months, 3 week to Graduation!


Happy V-Day!!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day all!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

I hope your day was as relaxing as mine. Travis and I decided not to really do much this year: just exchange a few gifts and relax. I got some new earrings and those kiss bears, he got a pair of boxers and a new t-shirt. It's so great... drunken parrots on a hammock and it says "The weather is here... wish you were beautiful...". Lol. We were both very happy. We went and saw my family as well... I made dinner for Trav, my bro, and I while my parents went out to see a musical things.

Let's see, what else is new? Well, I got my taxes all done which is nice. Unfortunately all I got was a nice $0.00 credit to my name. Great. But at least I don't owe anything! Classes have been going well... I haven't had to do a lot so far, but now I have a test tomorrow and its going to bite me in the ass that I haven't done anything yet. Grrr. At least Spring Break is only 3 weeks away, which is f*in awesome! I'm counting down the days.

First though, I have to get through Tuesday. I have a small procedure to remedy this minor heart problem i have. Its called SVT, and you can look it up here: ... I'm getting an ablation done, which will hopefully get rid of it for good! So wish me luck as i am a bit nervous! Besides that not too much is new... I'm still stressing about the job stuff, and working a bunch, and spending time with travis on the weekends. That's about it for life right now. Being busy and counting down the days until all that is to come.

Count Down:
3 days to Ablation
2.5 weeks to Flyers Game
3 weeks to Spring Break!!
2 months, 2 weeks to Last Day of Class ever!
2 months, 3.5 weeks to Italy
3 months, 1 week to Graduation!




Hmm... so it is week two of classes and already I am counting down the days to Spring Break... not too long to go. God, I hope it doesn't take forever! I'm in the library right now, trying to get some work done and hopefully end up ahead of the game. If I keep procrastinating, that definitely won't happen! A little bit never hurt anyone though.
There is so much to look forward to in the near future: Willy's Birthday and Superbowl this weekend, Mike-Tucchi-Phil-& my Brother's birthday's next week (that's right, all in the next week), Morimoto's next weekend, Valentine's Day the weekend after that... hmm, taking my bro to Broadway sometime after that, Tucchi visiting, Spring Break, and before I know it end of classes, Italy with Hannah, and then Graduation!! Damn.

Right now though, I just have to worry about getting my shit taken care of, enjoying my new tattoo, and trying to figure out which pompous ass to vote for. Don't even get me started on that... lol. ;-) Well, off to get some work done. Show me you care!


can't believe its already the 12th!

I can't believe how fast January is going by... school starts in a week, and it will be my last semester ever (thank God!). I have so much to get done before then... or at least that's how it feels. Hmm... I need to clean my room so badly. You can't even walk in it right now. After I brought all my stuff in there from the holidays, then it all just got piled on top of that, and now its to the point of ridiculousness. So I really need to do that or I won't even be able to function when school starts.
I also need to buy my books, and get the rest of the house a bit nicer before Megan comes home from crew. She saw it briefly before she left, but I'm afraid if she really has to come home to our humble sh*t-hole, then she will pack up and move out!!
At least though it is nice and quiet around her, and my various chores will give me something to do while my hobags are away. Ho-hum. I really feel like no matter how much I have tried for the past month, time has simply stood still. Its a bit weird and a little unnerving. I've begun looking at an apartment guide to see what kind of places are out their for Trav and I... but no job to speak of yet, so its rather difficult to really determine where around Philly we should be. And I have of course, resigned to the fact that I'm not going to be using my degree at all. Which sucks. But all I really want is to get a job... if i'm paid, I'm happy. As long as Trav and I have enough to live on with enough left over to save some, I'm happy.

If anyone has an leads in Philly which they can't use, past them on to me!!


the new year

Haven't written for a while and feel like I should apologize... but to who? No one else reads this shit except for me.

Can't believe its 2004 already.
This year I get to look forward to taking my brother to the city for a show, Miami for Spring Break, graduating(!!!!), turning 22, hopefully starting my first real job. I should also be hitting Italy with Hannah and maybe Arizona to see Mary and Casey, but that depends on how the rest of life goes. I'm really stressing about the job thing right now... can't believe I have to figure all this out. It feels like I've been waiting for this forever, yet I really don't know how I'm going to handle it?! What do I do if I can't find a job? I literally don't even know where to start. Well, time for me to leave Philo and go to work number 2...

Ciao bambinos.