It's beautiful out, with the sky so blue, and the sun finally offering some true warmth. It's great... I've been needing this little lift. It's so hard to be happy and energetic when it is dismal and cold. And believe me, with only two weeks left, I need to at least be energetic!

From the archives:
My tears flow like red wine,
(so expensive) they cost me so much,
I bought them with anger and a fight,
only to be cryed away again,
to leave me so alone,
with blood red stains on my cheeks,
the path of tears (love) gone by,
going on to the next ready drinker,
already half drunk on desire,
ready to be tipped with love,
and i am left with an empty bottle,
so sharp i cut myself and cause the tears to restart,
and the blood on my finger tastes like wine,
(like red wine) the stuff on my cheeks,
more stains on my dress,
no longer the white of purity,
I'm tarnished by the smell of blood,
(oh god is some of that his)
he did come in the broken bottle,
but now the bottles gone,
why is my blood still flowing like tears...

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.
I look around and see this thing in certain people, and wish the I could talk to myself from the past and give heart:
"While to be different now is painful, and all you want to do is kill this thing inside of you that causes this difference... in the future you will want it, and you will miss it horribly, and it would be an advantage."
I suppose it is too late now though... hence the second feeling. I suppose I've finally resigned myself to that fact.

Off to my dreams, where I'm a pirate with a private beach, a bottle of rum, and my (scantily clad) cutie by my side.

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~ Meegs