Missing Her


She lost her best friend. It happened yesterday.

He was a good boy. Fourteen years old. He was always beside her. When she ate supper. When she watched television. When she used the restroom. He even slept on the floor near her bed.

He was a Labrador, and then some. The biggest in his litter of 12. His shoulders were wide, his neck was a column of muscle.

He wasn’t a playful dog, but he was happy. He was gentle. He liked children, chewing, lying in the sun, he loved tomatoes. He enjoyed walks, but only short ones. He seemed to go crazy over “Downton Abbey.”

He could eat more than any dog she’d ever seen. He was a garbage disposal with a tail.

When she worked nights in a commercial kitchen, he waited for her to get home. She’d arrive after work, he would be seated at the front door, squealing.

She would bring him things from work. The spoils of her occupation. Fish guts, lamb fat, chicken gristle, and sacred ground beef.

And he loved her for it.

But she owed it to him—and then some. He’d seen her through hard times. He knew her emotions like a roadmap. He knew when she was sad, happy, or angry, before anyone else did.

When her father died, he crawled on a sofa and placed his hundred-pound body in her lap. It almost crushed her.

“I love you,” is what he was actually saying. Which is the only thing dogs know how to say—except: “Feed me right now or I’ll poop in the kitchen.”

He was with her when she lost her job. He was with her when she moved houses. He was with her when she passed a class, certifying her as a teacher. He was with her when her mother was ill.

Yesterday, she took him to the vet. She sat beside him for a few minutes before the doc came. His eyes were glassy, his back legs didn’t work. He was in pain.

Decisions were made. They hooked an IV to his leg. The fluid went into his veins. He fell asleep in her arms. His mouth slung open. His eyes became empty.

She didn't cry. Not at first. It wasn’t until she was on her way home that it hit her. At a stoplight, she found herself in a sort of daze when she noticed black hair on the seat. Dog hair.

She had to pull over just to keep from wrecking the car.

Sometimes, I wonder if mankind is cursed. Because living hurts. Life itself hurts. Because nothing lasts. Good things die too soon. Bad things last too long.

And just when you think things can’t get worse, the television proves you wrong.

Another day, another shooting. One group of people screams at a another. It’s hard to tell the difference between nice folks and the other kind anymore. It’s difficult to know what to believe.

Some believe the world is turning into fertilizer, and they have every right to believe that. For all I know they might be right—I’m not smart enough to tell them they’re wrong. Others believe differently.

I believe differently. I won’t believe our world is hopeless. I can’t.

Not as long as dandelions still cover highway ditches, and the clovers still pepper Tennessee mountainsides. Not as long as whippoorwills still flutter in treetops and make sounds I enjoy.

Not as long as the sun still comes up, and the moon still glows. Not as long as babies keep growing, and mothers keep loving.

These things, I believe, are proof of something. You might even call them miracles. I don’t know where they come from, but they come from somewhere. Everything comes from somewhere.

Maybe they come from above the clouds. Maybe from the other side of here. Maybe from a place of cherubs, rivers, and perfect prairies. Wherever this place is, it’s the same place dogs come from. And I know it’s where they return.

Goodbye, Gurgle.

-- Sean Dietrich 


I miss her smell. Her trotting in looking for food whenever we were in the kitchen. Her soft ears. I miss her.


the rainbow bridge


Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... (Author Unknown)


Hello Again

I posted this one Instagram, but I thought it deserved to be posted here too. 

Hello! My name is Meegs, I’ll be 40 this year. I’m queer, and genderqueer (she/they). I’m a yoga teacher, doula, and Mapping Lead for a company that does digital mapping of cemeteries. Life, birth, and death.

I have an amazing pre-teen, Gwen, who is one of the best people I know. My husband, Trav, and I have been together for 21 years, and married for 15; and he is the most supportive partner one could ask for. He loves his “gay wife” very much. 

I love to hike and camp, travel is my heartbeat, and reading is my travel when I can’t travel. I love to change my hair color regularly, but consider blue my “natural color.” I’m a Leo, and a Welsh witch.

In this space Black Lives Matter, Trans rights are human rights, and people are people no matter where they come from or how they got here. If that doesn’t work for you: ✌🏽 out. We can disagree on pizza toppings, not human rights.

Welcome. Have any questions for me?



We celebrated rebirth this past Monday. The beauty that is Ostara, or the Vernal Equinox. Balanced day and night, if only for a moment, and the opportunity to use that balance to plant seeds for moving forward. 

I hope that you are enjoying the beginning of spring, and the promise that the faith it takes to plant now will reap so much growth down the line. 🌱🌸


On Being Human

Humans fuck up. I have fucked up. Not right in this moment, but many - many - many times in the past. I think one of the hardest things in the world is being in a space that doesn't allow for that. Messing up and learning from it, growing and healing hearts, that is the very essence of being human. So not getting to do that in a safe way, not getting to experience that side of humanness without being torn down or made to feel less then, is dehumanizing, degrading, and destroys parts of us that can take a lifetime to rebuild. 

I have been in those spaces. And I'm still repairing myself. 

Its my dream to be a human that repairs hearts, lifts others, makes a difference in this world, and honors ever bit of herself while honoring others. But boy is that easier said that done. Sometimes our intuition leads us in directions that we don't understand, and only when it is done can we appreciate what wasn't working in our previous place. Sometimes that slow degradation of our humanness is so subtle that we allow it to happen for years before its realized. 

Consider this your sign from the Universe. If you find that this resonated with you, here is your permission: go where you can feel celebrated, go where you can feel fully human, go where you feel whole, and its okay if that means leaving somewhere else. Its okay if you have to go. 



Life and Then Some

Isn't it funny the natural ebb and flow of things. This week I've actually been on top of sleep, feeling more well rested... but yet tired, because these past few weeks have been so busy. Family visits (Trav's parents were in last week, his brother with wife and our nephew the week before), snow, Hamilton for birthday gifts, 300 hour training work, more snow, job stuff, teaching, taking, snowwwww, Gwen's spring concert, Meow Wolf, etc etc etc!  [All of these pictures are in a completely random order because that's how they uploaded and 🤷]

So much fun and so much good, but whoo boy. I'm very ready for this weekend of rest.

Last week I found out that the 200 hr that I was going to be co-leading needs to be postponed. That made me sad. But I'm not going to lie, tackling a 200 in the Fall, when I'm not also doing a 300, sounds much more accessible! Today I found out that I got a promotion and a raise for my mapping job! I get to be a Mapping Lead, which is really exciting, and I get to adjust my focus to include a lot of new things that I really enjoy. Not going to lie, feeling proud of that! The Universe. It gives you what you need sometimes, even if its not what you want.

Next week is Gwen's Spring Break, and we are definitely both looking forward to that pause. We have nothing really planned, but we'll find little fun things to do.

 The week after that is Ostara, the official start to Spring, and I am so ready. I'm ready for more light, more space, more warmth, more ease. The winter months always feel more overwhelming, everything seems to take longer and be more work, but spring, spring is on its way. I could not be more ready. 


Birthday Interview - Year 12

 Me: “Hey Gwen, how does it feel to be 12?”

Gwen: No different then 11!

Me: “Who’s your best friend?”

Gwen:  Clarissa

Me: “What is your favorite thing to do?”

Gwen: I like to read, play MineCraft, ski, and eat shaved ice [editors note: she was eating a shaved ice, while we did this 😄]

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

Gwen:  Black, red, and I also really like teal. 

Me: “How about your favorite food?”

Gwen:   I don't know... maybe steak and rice, maybe soy sauce ramen

Me: “What is your favorite thing to do with Dad and I?”

Gwen:   Guess!  (Me: Camp? Hike?)  Hmm, I do like that!
I like to play games with you guys, especially video games.

Me: “What is your favorite toy/game?”

Gwen:   The Nintendo Switch

Me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Gwen:   A tiger biologist! Ha, so a zoologist? 

Me: “What makes you happy?”

Gwen:   You being happy! Dad getting me shaved ice! Hanging out with you and Dad, and my friends. 

Me: “What is something that makes you sad?”

Gwen:  You guys being sad or angry, and thinking about how old Daisy is getting, and her tumors.

Me: “Do you have a favorite movie?”

Gwen:   [weird thinking face] I don't know 

Me: How about a favorite TV show?”

Gwen:   I don't know again... I do really like Simpsons, and Schitts Creek, and X-Men 

Me: “Do you have a favorite book?”

Gwen:  Ohhhhh that's hard! Spirit Animals, and also Mishap's Heros... but I think Spirit Animals might win... I just like books a lot!! Especially fantasy fiction books 

Me: What do you like to learn about?”

Gwen:   I don't know ... animals? 

Me: “What were you excited about for your birthday? And what ended up being being your favorite part?”

Gwen:  I was excited for the presents, of course! And for the fun surprises you had planned.
I like the sleep over [at Clarissa's], and Hamilton!

Me: “Where’s your favorite place to go when we leave the house?”

Gwen:   I like going to the library, to the zoo-type places, and hiking and camping

Me: “What is your favorite teacher's name?” [Editing this one to say favorite teacher... since she now has multiple in Middle School]

Gwen:   Well, I really like all my teacher this year!

Me: “Do you have a favorite treat?”

Gwen:   Slushees/shaved ice, and ice cream!   

Me: “What’s your favorite animal?”

Gwen:   Tiger!! 

Me: “Do you have a favorite song?”

Gwen:    That's hard, I like a lot of songs... Disappear and You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen, The Kings Message from Hamilton, and Cover Me In Sunshine by Pink

Me: “What’s your favorite thing to wear?”

Gwen:    T-shirts and comfy pants and shorts 

Me: “What are you looking forward to this year?”

Gwen:    Summer!! Going on our trip! Especially seeing Panda, Penny, and Parker.

Me: "Thank you for playing along!"



By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?


12 Years Old

Dear Gwen, 

You turn 12 today, and I continue to feel like the luckiest to be your Mom and walk this path with you. Your love is so encompassing and so deep. That said, wow is puberty a wild ride for all. Ha! You continue to grow and mature so much, and are just the sweetest soul... but you find yourself torn now, emotions running in directions outside of your control. You rage against the (very universal) battle of wants vs needs, and expectations - both your own and other peoples. 

This is year one of Middle School, and so far you are killing it. All As for the first two quarters, which is absolutely amazing. You're working so hard to balance fun things with classes, friends, Girl Scouts, family time, skiing, etc. Not to mention all the things keeping your dad and I busy, and alternating our time away from you. There's a lot going on here in the middle of this pandemic world! But you know what, you're taking it all in stride. Despite the trials that your anxiety and depression bring, you still are pretty damn great at going with the flow.

I'm trying to remember everything I can from this year, and I'm regretting how much I didn't write. I loved 11 in so many ways. You're amazing to talk to, open with your struggles, not embarrassed to to hash out the hard things... I hope that stays! There is so much as you leave the pre-teen years and enter teenager times that gets hard and challenging, and I just want you to know that you can always, always talk to me about it.

You still love reading with a passion, ripping though books in days; you draw and sketch regularly (especially to illustrate stories you have floating around your head, D&D adventures, or animals); and you love music, both listening to and playing. You're getting pretty good at the drums, and really like your music teacher.

You've continued to horseback ride whenever we give you a chance, and love to be outside in general. Skiing with your dad, camping and hiking with me. You're still an A+ traveler, and we have some big plans for this summer! You also regularly go on walks with your Aunts, which I'm just so grateful is part of our daily life now.

You're fun, and funny; a trickster who likes to surprise your dad and I whenever you can (see picture above of you hiding in a pile of stuffed animals); but a hard worker too. You're not afraid of work, especially if you have a goal in mind. Your Girl Scout troop has a summer goal of a NYC trip, and so you have been putting the work in on crafts and selling cookies. That dedication came in handy for earning your Girl Scout Bronze Award too!

You still love Legos, and do a lot of creating of things/places that you created in your own head. You build rooms and buildings and whole landscapes sometimes. You still love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, as well as the Simpsons and the Mandalorian (and all related shows/movies). You've fallen down a YouTube rabbit hole these past few months and love looking up videos of random things: singing shows, people playing mindcraft, kids making slime, cooking challenges, etc. I'm okay with this new obsession since we established some time limits, and since you are so good about talking to me. You know if you encounter something that you think is off or inappropriate, to always bring it to me to talk about.

I wish I could better capture who you are right now, the essence of you. How I still have a few inches on you, but your big personality make it feel like you're going to overtake me any second. Your long limbs, long hair, feet only around a size smaller then mine. Your ready smile, and contagious laugh.

You've started asking for yoga before bed, and you're more interested then ever before in purposeful movement to stretch out, and get stronger. You're also starting to understand the joy of a lie in on lazy mornings, and have no qualms about letting us know you're ready for bed early on long, tiring days.

Gwen, while 12 seems so old, grown up, and mature in some ways (and I'm quite proud of your maturity), I'm so glad to see you're not in a rush to be more adult. Those things will come sooner then either of us like... and I hope no matter how old you get, you never lose the magic, never stop believing in the mythical, and are never afraid to love what you love, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I love you times infinity, you're the best Gwenie in the Multiverse...