had to add.... (start of a responce)

I had to add this to my journal. It's so well thought out and beautifully written.... and I think this person deserves praise for it. I will responce better when I have more then 3 minutes to get to class, but I had to let him know that I read it and appreciated it. . . .

Input: I am interested, intrigued... I read your entry twice. Still I don't know. Are you awake just because you label yourself that way? How do you know that you're awake? Or more so, how is it that those who are awake can claim to know if you are awake or not? You say that anyone can become awake if they only try, if they are only willing... well, how come then those of you who say you are awake cling together? Shouldn't you help those who are on the border of being awake? Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to "affront you" (for lack of a better way to say it)... but I'm truly curious.

Response: First of all, this is great. Input lets me refine my own thought process…see where I may have made a wrong turn. So no worries…

I’d like to start by pointing out why I’ve always had trouble with the term “awake”. You are perceiving it as something which puts one apart from others, somehow elevating them. I’m trying to show that this isn’t the case. This is why I changed it to being “willing”. But maybe we can stay with “awake” for a moment.

How do you know if you are awake?
At the risk of sounding corny, I’m going to say you just do. How do you know when you are in love…or if you are physically awake? It’s just a mental state…nothing more. As I stated, it has nothing to do with actually being something. It’s more of a process. If I were to say that I feel good, would you ask how I know I feel good? One day you take a deep breath and let it out, and realize that something feels different. You are aware of a discomfort, a sort of weight being placed on you. At this point you have two options, you can ignore it and call yourself crazy, or you can confront it. When you choose the second option you take a step away from everything you know. You have accepted the possibility that there is a problem with the essence of reality itself, and what’s more, you have afforded yourself the power to alter reality in order to alleviate the problem. If this goal sounds lofty, its because it is. It’s a struggle that no one will win. But the fact that you struggle, that you suffer for this, makes you awake…so to speak. You choose to be awake.

Are you awake because you have labeled yourself as such?
I don’t know. To be honest, after thinking about this so much, I don’t know if I’m even awake. I just know I’m on to something…whether I’m a part of it or not seems irrelevant at this point. But it seems to me that my first response also answers this question to a point.

You say that anyone can become awake if they only try, if they are only willing... well, how come then those of you who say you are awake cling together? Shouldn't you help those who are on the border of being awake?
At this point it becomes important to redefine the term “awake” and to rename it all together. I’ve been observing my friends, and I’ve been thinking about character and ego…people’s needs and desires. I speak about being a challenger, and awake…all these terms that somehow endear a form of suffering…and be sure that suffering is all it is. And as I see confusion, I also see understanding in the basics. I’ve had two friends tell me they are trees and want nothing more than that. Upon realizing that my father was visiting, my one friend actually asked to meet him so he could say that he was a tree and proud. I hadn’t really realized what I was doing until he said that…I mean I knew that people were feeling belittled…but not to that degree.
I think that everyone is fully awake…or capable of being awake…or has been awake at least once. I believe it is the natural state of the mind to seek something outside of itself. But the truth is that once you take that step, once you turn to the darkness and open your eyes wide you see something terrifying. And at this point you must be willing. Most aren’t…nor should they be. Maybe they are sane, full of a will to be happy…something the rest of us lack…or lost… But they turn inward, finding solace in family, in God, in a job and a home…in everything that is right and wholesome in this world. Then there are a few, who feel they need to move through the darkness. They take that step into the unknown and in doing so they cut themselves loose…they become the “willing” and the lost.

I’m seeing a mistake I made. Anyone can be willing. But only the willing can be a challenger, and not everyone who is willing is in fact a challenger. Some get lost…and stay lost. A challenger fights his way through…and eventually home.

Should we be spreading this? Spreading what? Pain? This isn’t fun. It isn’t something that you have to try. Its something inside you that either exists or doesn’t, a desire to push beyond what this society, these people, these text books and MTV have laid out before you; its the drive to follow a path that will not be easy despite yourself. There I go again, romanticizing it. But you see…I have to…I have to make myself believe that I haven’t wasted my time…because I’ve given too much to this.

I suppose that in the end, none of this will matter. Whether we are all awake, whether you were willing, whether I was a challenger. These things affect nothing of the universe…the will of man does not extend that far…at least not yet. But what is life to you? What are you doing here? If you can answer that question, you don’t need these words…you don’t need to look through the darkness. You are blessed….

I suppose what it eventually comes down to is a sort of hope. A belief that you have power in this world. And that your mind and will, your soul and desire are enough to mold reality. Whether that reality is the world…or just your world…it doesn’t matter…as long as you think you can…as long as you feel you must…as long as you are willing to pay the price…

school... blah

So the summer is really over now, and school has officilly begun. I don't know if I should be excited about this or not. I want to be, but my week in Cape Cod was so georgeous... and all I want to do is go back there. Plus I've already dropped one of my classes. It was not at all what I thought it would be, plus it was more work then my 4 credit courses (it was only 3). So, bu-bye. But oh well, hopefully today's courses will go better. Well, time for me to hit the classroom... but later I will definitely post about the wonder that was Cape Cod.


On the hump...

Well, it's Wednesday... the hump of the week. I can't wait to get thru today because after that the week will fly!! Tonight I have so much work to get done. I have to unpack the last of my boxes (the ones with all my school stuff in them), do laundry, and pack for vacation next week. That's right, a week at the mother-f'in Cape baby!!!!! :-) I'm rather excited if you couldn't tell. But there is a lot to look forward to before that. Like my birthday dinner at my rents tomorrow with my Uncle, etc... very excited about good food, and birthday presents. Lol, yay.
Of course there is lunch with my internship boss earlier that day, and lunch with my work boss on friday. Then to the bar with everyone Friday night. Wahoo! And I just got a call from John... whom I haven't seen since (I think) my pinning, and he is coming! So very exciting. It's nice because even though we've lost touch a few times, John's still made it to the biggest events in my life since he left Lehigh. I love that kid. Well, I should probably get back to work. Only three more days of it before vacation...

!!Hasta la vista babies!!


Actual entry, with thoughts....

My disclaimer...
Warning: this entry is confusing and backwards and doesn't always make sense. If you aren't already completely aware of the situation I'm referring to, then you won't understand it most likely.
(PS. It's not about who you think its about.)
I just really really don't want to use names, because I don't want this all over and names make things travel. There. You have been warned.


So it's been a pretty good friday... going rather fast, etc. But I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind. This is something that plagued me ever since my freshman year, this certain special kind of loneliness and obscurity. Recently a friend of mine mentioned something, and this something made me remember all of these feelings that I had been having, but that I had made myself forget last year, and have not paid attention to since.

What he said was the following:
"...a focus on seems cheapened and trivial when it excludes those who actually deserve it. My thought process drifted to you as I realized that when I thought we let down, we must have let you down by 1000 times as much."

Now I have to say that this touched me beyond words, and basically brought up all these emotions that I had pushed away. First off, it seemed like someone had finally acknowledged my feelings and told me that I wasn't a jack ass for feeling them! And believe me, I've been waiting for that since freshman year! The few others involved (who actually knew they were involved) have chosen to ignore it all and think that it will just go away, so I suffered silently. Of course my responce to this person was a very happy one...
"I've wanted to respond to you ever since you sent this, but I didn't know exactly how. In some ways, been the best ever in providing me with support and ... always willing to stick up for me and defend me. However, you are right about me having been let down. It was kind of a long story, the story of ... one that I would gladly fill you in on sometime. Although, I have to warn you that it is a very painful story for me. To sound slightly cheesy (for lack of a better way to put things), my absolute love of has caused me so much heart ache. It's not really anyone's fault in particular, nor was it caused by any one thing that could have been tweeked; but it's very true nonetheless. an attempt to find a replacement for , and an outlet to dull the hurt... but now even that is gone. So, I'm looking forward to starting another year devoted completely ... but at the same time dreading it. I wanted you to know how much your words touched me. Thank you for respecting me like you do..."

It's almost weird, finally feeling validated after all this time. I almost don't know how to react to this now... these feelings are still out again with no where to go. They've been validated, but still have no outlet and no cure. Well, one cure... but one that is not mine... Anyway, it is time for me to go. So yes, i know this entry makes no sense, but I had to vent and get this out of me. So sorry for the nonsensical ramblings, but boy did that feel good!

all about me

Was bored:

...series one//basics --
whole name : Megan Katie Goss-Herbert
-- birthdate : 08.15.82 (7 days and I'm 21!!)
-- birthplace : Allentown, Pennsylvania
-- eye color : hazel
-- hair color : right now it's almost back to normal - a dark brownish color, with some black still there and some left over highlights. I want to dye it again - either black, or a real dark red
-- righty or lefty : righty
-- zodiac sign : leo
-- innie or outtie : innie

...series two// favorites
-- music : i really like all kinds, although my faves are normally more toward the heavy side
-- cartoon : the simpsons, and family guy
-- color : blue!!! :-) purple is cool though, and the really dark red that is almost black
-- magazine : Maxim, US News and World Report, and this one mag that Laura always gets... maybe Redbook, or something like that?
-- tv show: maybe X-files, simpsons, family guy...
-- song : hmm, i have a few.... any song off hillbilly deluxe by Rob Zombie, Cousin in Miami by Jimmy Buffet, Bring Me To Life by Evanescence, hmm... and there are probably more, but those are the ones that come to mind
-- language : i love how french sounds when apoc and tucchi are spouting it off... even though i get really annoyed that i can't understand a word of it! and i love when tucchi speaks spanish at me, even though i only understand half of what he says! What i really want to learn though is Chinese.
-- food//beverage : I definitely love all things italian! specifically cheese tortellini with pesto sauce, and to drink either tea or California style SunnyD
-- subject in school : i really do love most of my International Relations classes... although definitely some more then others. like International Political Economy! Loved that class. i also have the feeling i'm going to love my Modern Dance class this coming semester... yay
-- ice cream flavor : mint chocolate chip, chocolate chip cookie dough, and strawberry
-- roller coaster : I don't have a favorite... just any that goes fast and has loops.

...series three// what you did
-- your most overused phrase on aol : lol, riiiight
-- the first thing you did when you woke up this morning : cursed the stupid jackhammer outside my window which woke me up....
-- the last image/thought you go to sleep with : it varies... normally something along the lines of, "i'm so f'in tired!"
-- the first feature you notice in the opposite sex : their smile, their eyes, and their hair
-- the best name for a butler : jeeves :-)
-- the wussiest sport : i don't know.... maybe bowling??
-- your bedtime : it depends, if i have to get up for work or class or something, then maybe 11-12ish... otherwise 2 is normally the earliest i go to bed.
-- your greatest fear : losing the ones i love... failure, and more specifically, not being able to do something when i really put my mind to it.
-- your missed memory : waking up every morning next to travis....

...series four//do you
-- take a shower everyday? : yea
-- have any crushes? : well, i'm with travis, so i wouldn't really call it a crush....
-- do you think you've been in love? : i am now
-- want to go to college? : doin it right now
-- like high school? : it was okay... but i'm glad i'm away from that. the only thing i miss is getting to chill with sebs, cassie, and heather everyday
-- want to get married? : yes sir
-- type with your fingers on the right keys : uh-huh... asdfjkl; god that was an annoying class!
-- believe in yourself? : most of the time, but everyone has their moments
-- have any tattoos/where? : i have my name in chinese characters on my right shoulder blade, i have the celtic tree of life between my belly button and my left hip, and i have my mystical man in the moon on my left ankle ... hopefully by the end of the year i'll also have my flame design on my lower back, and my tribute to my grandparents on my right ankle.
-- have any piercing/where? : 3 in the bottom of each ear, 1 in each cartilage (can't spell), my eyebrow, and my left nipple... getting the right one before summer is out
-- think you're a health freak? : uh, anyone who eats as many HotPockets as I do, couldn't possibly be!
-- get along with your parents? : yea, now that i don't live at home anymore, i actually do! it's kind of cool. i just go to their place for a few days around christmas and thanksgiving, and pop in for birthday... so we really don't fight at all anymore. it's great.
-- Like thunderstorms? : Oh man, they are my favorite thing!!!

....series five// the future
-- age you hope to be married : hmm... i don't know, it depends on what trav and i decide together. but i figure we'll definitely be married by the time i'm 23
-- numbers and names of children : i really don't know... it depends on how we feel multiple years from now, when we actually want to have kids. maybe 2 or 3??? i don't know. as for names, all i know is i like the name Gwenivere, so that will be a daughter, and I like the name Benjamin so that will probably be a son. but who really knows.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding : i don't know... something nice??? lol. maybe outside, but my luck it would rain!
-- How do you want to die? : i could give the typical answer of while i'm asleep... but honestly i can't answer this, because i don't want to die!!
-- What do you want to be when you grow up? : who fucking knows! lol, i'm technically an adult, so i could say i'm grown up, but i know i'm going to be "growing up" for the rest of my fucking life, so i don't know what i'm going to want to do for all that time. i know i want to get into government, either state department or cia or fbi or dod, but after that, who knows!
-- What country would you most like to visit?: ireland, scotland, wales, and china.

...series six// opposite sex
-- best eye color? blue
-- best hair color? : i don't know...
-- short or long hair? short
-- best weight?: whatever looks good with their body type... not too skinny, but not fat.
-- best articles of clothing?: anything that they are comfortable in... dressed down, like t-shirts and cords or something
-- best first date location with crush? : who knows i've never really gone on dates?!
-- best first kiss location with crush? : on the lips... thanks..... x-)

...series seven// other
-- when's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? : last night
-- how many rings until you answer the phone? : depends on how far i am from the phone...
-- what's on your mouse pad? : i'm at work right now, so it's a stupid Lehigh University mouse pad
-- how many houses have you lived in?: well, my parents and i lived in 4, i think... and i have lived in 2 of my own, including where i am now.
-- how many schools have you gone to? : Northwestern Lehigh, and Lehigh University
-- what color is your bedroom carpet? : hmm... i think its a brown beige color
-- would you shave your head for $5000 dollars? probably not
-- if you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take?: a cell phone to call the motherfuckers to get me out, and a thing of food and a book to entertain me until they got there!!!

...series eight//things you wear daily
-- deodorant : i think i have lady speed stick now...
-- hair gel : none
-- shoes : either my super comfy, all broken in sneakers; or my jesus sandals
-- necklace : my silver and black heart from travis
-- clippie things for hair: nope
-- socks : sometimes

...series nine//others
>*Nicknames: Meegz, Meg, Mama, Hoover...
>* Height: about 5'2" or a little more...
>* Shoe Size: anywhere from a 7.5 to an 8.5 depending on the maker
>* Brothers/Sisters: older half sister - gwen, younger brother - Ethan, 13
>* Who lives with you: my summer roommates are Apoc, Tucchi, and Kat... and hopefully i'll be getting an animal soon too.

>------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
>* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: uh, unfortunately yes... twice. once freshman year, once sophomore year... but not since, and never again!!!
>* Missed school Bus: yup
>* Put a body part on fire for amusement: uh, can't say that i have... i have accidentally almost set myself on fire, but never on purpose!
>* Been in a car accident: yes, 2 of them... luckily neither was while i was driving. yuck... that was horrible
>* Been hurt emotionally: everyone has...
>* Kept a secret from everyone: yup
>* Had an imaginary friend: i think i might have had one when i was younger....
>* Wanted to hook up with a [girl] friend: wanted to? or did? either one, been there, done that...
>* Cried during a Movie: i definitely cried at the end of Beautiful Mind... great movie.
>* Had a crush on a teacher: one teach in HS...
>* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: lol, Jessica Rabbit!!
>* Had a New Kids on the Block tape: yea... oh man. i even had the stupid barbie doll of Joe!!! man was that a bad time for little girls everywhere.
>* Been on stage: yea... for chorus, band, drama, and dance
>* Cut your hair: not myself, but yes i've gotten my hair cut
>* Been sarcastic: oh my god, noooo never..... do i even have to answer this?

>* Shampoo: pantene or suave
>* Scent: orange, coconut, travis :-)
>* Soap: Irish Spring.... with Aloe
>* Hairspray: this Herbal Essence hairspray, because it works but doesn't smell like shit
>* Day/Night: i definitely love the night time...
>* Summer/winter: i don't really know. i'm actually much more of a autumn fan. i like it because it's warm enough that you don't need coats, but cool enough that you aren't sweating your arse off. i like to ski and swim though, so i miss those in autumn....
>* Lace or satin: definitely satin... it feels awesome to sleep on satin sheet!
>* Fave salad: Wendy's Mandarin Chicken salad
>* Fave Movie: 8mm, Fight Club, Red dragon, American History X, Shawshank Redemption... I could go on and on and on ....
>* Fave Person to talk to online: i don't really know... anyone that i don't get to see on a regular basis, i love to talk to online... no one in particular though

-------------------RIGHT NOW------------------
>* Wearing: tie-dye shirt and my soft grey capri pants.
>* Hair is: just brushed straight, parted down the middle... nothing special
>* I'm feeling: good, it's friday!!!!!
>* Eating: chicken and stars soup, yumm...
>* Drinking: Nouriche yougart drink. Not as risky as some might want, but i'm at work, so i can't be drinking anything harder for the moment.
>* Thinkin bout: how i want to be done here to i can go home!!!
>* Listening to: the A/C run in the office, and my typing
>* Talking to: no one, i'm the only one here right now.
>* Watching: uh, the words appear on the screen

>-----------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
>* Cried: hmm, nope...
>* Worn a skirt: no to that one too ...
>* Met someone new: not unless you consider saying hi at the grocery store "meeting"
>* Cleaned your room: not as much as i should have!
>* Drove a car: yupper, i drove my car to my internship yesterday

>---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------
>* Your friends: yes, they've been very good to me
>* Santa Claus: sometimes i wish i did
>* Tooth Fairy: again, sometimes i wish i did
>* Destiny/Fate: i think we all have a place that we are destine to end up in, how we get there however is completely up to us. however if we rely too heavily on fate we can lose it all.
>* Angels: I don't know... i'd like to think i'm being looked after though
>* Ghosts: i've had some scary experiences that say yes...
>* UFO's: as Sebs put it "i believe that the universe and galaxies out there would be a lot of wasted space if we're the only people takin' it up"
>* God: i do believe in God, i just don't know if he's how any of the churches portray him (or her)

>----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
>* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: yes
>* Like anyone?: yea, i'm pretty fond of my bf... lol
>* Who have you known the longest of your friends: hmm, i've know Heather since preschool... so that's almost 17 years now.
>* Who's the loudest: lol, i don't know... depends on what we're all doin... but i definitely think Tucchi and Rochelle can be loud, and Joe when he gets drunk and won't shut up!! lol. oh, and omg, Stella!! she's definitely a very vocal person.
>* Who's the shyest: well, ed might not be shy, but he's definitely quiet sometimes. i don't know if anyone is really shy...
>* Who's the weirdest: hmm, well i don't consider stella weird, but i know some of my friends do....
>* Who do you go to for advice: lots of people... i know i can go to any of my friends. i always talk to travis when i need any help, and i've been talking to tucchi about a lot of my problems lately.
>* Who do you cry with: depends on why i'm crying.... travis is usually the one i will cry to though
>*Who can make you laugh so hard milk can come out ur nose: lol, Jon!!!! my Mongoloid!!!!!!!!!! lmao... jon definitely always makes me laugh, no matter what.

>-------------------Other Random Questions------------------
>* Parents' names: Maggie and Drew
>* How much do you love your job?: the Philosophy Department, it's not bad at all... i get to check my email and stuff. donna is a great boss, and she's so awesome about hours and days off. i know that i could ask her for anything! i mean, this is definitely not what i want to do for the rest of my life, but it's great for now and until i graduate.
>* Been to Africa? uh, nope, can't say that i have.
>* Favorite day of the week: Fridays!!!!!! yay. means that i have a nice weekend ahead of me, and that Travis is coming up, or I'm going down there. I love Fridays!
>* Favorite word or phrase: lol, sure, riiight. later.
>* Favorite Sesame Street Character: lol, yea for Kramit... now that brings back some memories!! i love Zoe though too. she's so cute.
>* Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: KFry, McDonald's and Wendy's
>* When was your last hospital visit? in Feb... yuck, yuck, yuck. let's hope i don't have to go back for a long long time
>* How many times did you fail your drivers test? none
>* Have you ever been convicted of a crime? nope
>* Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? i don't know... can I count the mall as one store?? that would work for me. if not maybe Wal-Mart because they have DVDs, CDs, clothes, and food... either that or Best Buy
>* What do you do most often when you are bored? i listen to music, call up one of my friends, check my email... i've been reading A Lot lately too.
>* Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away: hmm, there is Piper in Cali... Dave in Arizona... and Anita in Hong Kong, even though i haven't talked to her since graduation
>* Most annoying thing people ask me? hmmm... i really don't know.... probably any adult asking me insistently what i want to do when i graduate. just once, i want to look them in the eye and say "i don't fucking know okay, stop trying to live through me"
>* Favorite all time TV show: Simpsons and X-files
>* Last person I went out to dinner with: hmm, apoc and kat i think
>* Last movie you saw: Tomb Raider 2
>*Favorite song lyrics: "How can you see into my eyes like open doors.... Wake me up (Wake me up inside), Wake me up (Wake me up inside), Call my name and save me from the dark, (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (Wake me up) before I come undone, (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become" *Bring Me To Life... - Evanescence
>* Name only 2 people that you're happy you met this school year: Definitely Apoc, because he's an awesome roommate, and without Apoc, who would I have to pick on!! :-) And.... hmm, probably Becky, because even thought i met her before this year, i didn't get to know her until now and she's an awesome person to hang out with and drink hard lemonade's with when we're supposed to be doing stupid carnations!!!
>*Name the last thing that made you laugh: a hungover Apoc

What's in a name?

Your first name of Megan gives you the desire for responsibility and takes you into practical pursuits. You would excel in work of a technical nature where concentration and attention to detail are important. Whatever you undertake, you have the patience and determination to do well. You feel a sense of security in positions of responsibility where progress is made through systematic, step-by-step procedures. However, you lack vision and you could become too involved in technical details, system, and routine. You do not readily adjust to changes in your routine. You find it difficult to be spontaneous and fluent in verbal expression, and are prone to make rather direct comments that are not accepted in the way you intend them. Home and children are important to you, and you desire a settled environment. There is a tendency to assume more than your share of duties, and others could impose on your good nature, thus over-burdening you with responsibilities that could cause you to worry. A fondness for heavy, rich foods could, through overeating, cause you to suffer through intestinal and digestive troubles.

Very interesting!! Most of this is very much like me... I'm rather impressed.
Check it out at:


Welcome back...

Wow... it's been 7 months since I've been here. Life was just too crazy for a little while to even comprehend for myself, let alone trying to put it into words for others. I struggled with money, I struggled with faith, I struggled with grades and my own feeling of future and self worth that was attached to them. I struggled to try and find my place, where I really belong. I think I've come so far.

I'm done with my junior year now, and the summer is almost past. It's all gone so fast. Summer has definitely left me more happy and refreshed then I've been in a long long time. I feel like I'm really getting my life under control again, and back to my own. Unfortunately money has forced me to drop Chi O... it is a horribly sad thing for me and I miss it to no end already. However, at the same time, I almost feel like there is this huge weight off my shoulders money-wise. Last year money had to be such a huge part of my existance, which I hate! But this year I'll actually be able to save and not constantly worry and stress. It will also give me a chance to spend as much time as I want at Psi U, without feeling like I'm betraying my sisters by not going to a certain party with them. I feel like my place will be a lot less of a struggle this year. You have to see these good things in bad situations.

But yes, this has definitely been one of my best summers ever. I got to realize that a very good friend of mine, whom I thought I lost, is actually as close as ever... and even though our relationship has changed, it has not faded at all. I guess this has actually occurred with more then one friend, but the most obvious occurance was with my "other man" (for lack of a better phrase, i don't want to name names, but Travis is my main Man... so I couldn't call him that!). I've also gotten to have so much fun... moving to 413 Vine... visiting Ed's, Jon's, Mike's, and my uncle in DC. And the fun isn't even over!! Soon I'll be heading up to Cape Cod and of course that would be at the time of my 21st birthday! :-D I'm even looking forward to school again. To seeing friends and getting into a pleasantly busy routine of classes. I have some very good classes. I've very excited to learn! Well, this has been exceedingly long already... so I'll stop now. Hopefully though, I'm really back now and will be keeping you up-to-date on a more daily basis.