Actual entry, with thoughts....

My disclaimer...
Warning: this entry is confusing and backwards and doesn't always make sense. If you aren't already completely aware of the situation I'm referring to, then you won't understand it most likely.
(PS. It's not about who you think its about.)
I just really really don't want to use names, because I don't want this all over and names make things travel. There. You have been warned.


So it's been a pretty good friday... going rather fast, etc. But I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind. This is something that plagued me ever since my freshman year, this certain special kind of loneliness and obscurity. Recently a friend of mine mentioned something, and this something made me remember all of these feelings that I had been having, but that I had made myself forget last year, and have not paid attention to since.

What he said was the following:
"...a focus on seems cheapened and trivial when it excludes those who actually deserve it. My thought process drifted to you as I realized that when I thought we let down, we must have let you down by 1000 times as much."

Now I have to say that this touched me beyond words, and basically brought up all these emotions that I had pushed away. First off, it seemed like someone had finally acknowledged my feelings and told me that I wasn't a jack ass for feeling them! And believe me, I've been waiting for that since freshman year! The few others involved (who actually knew they were involved) have chosen to ignore it all and think that it will just go away, so I suffered silently. Of course my responce to this person was a very happy one...
"I've wanted to respond to you ever since you sent this, but I didn't know exactly how. In some ways, been the best ever in providing me with support and ... always willing to stick up for me and defend me. However, you are right about me having been let down. It was kind of a long story, the story of ... one that I would gladly fill you in on sometime. Although, I have to warn you that it is a very painful story for me. To sound slightly cheesy (for lack of a better way to put things), my absolute love of has caused me so much heart ache. It's not really anyone's fault in particular, nor was it caused by any one thing that could have been tweeked; but it's very true nonetheless. an attempt to find a replacement for , and an outlet to dull the hurt... but now even that is gone. So, I'm looking forward to starting another year devoted completely ... but at the same time dreading it. I wanted you to know how much your words touched me. Thank you for respecting me like you do..."

It's almost weird, finally feeling validated after all this time. I almost don't know how to react to this now... these feelings are still out again with no where to go. They've been validated, but still have no outlet and no cure. Well, one cure... but one that is not mine... Anyway, it is time for me to go. So yes, i know this entry makes no sense, but I had to vent and get this out of me. So sorry for the nonsensical ramblings, but boy did that feel good!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave me some love!
~ Meegs