and the word of the day is... overwhelmed

Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like I'm forgetting things and like there are things pulling me in every direction. I think mostly it happens because of work... so much going on at one point and not feeling in complete control of it, and it spills over everywhere else. I don't like feeling out of control.

Right now I am completely overwhelmed.

I'm not depressed, or unhappy... but just, well, overwhelmed. I get more emotional because of it, and physically, I get worn out. Last night my body felt like it weighed 500 lbs... and it was a chore just to be.

And then I read stories and I take on the negative emotions of the characters because, being so emotional, I feel what they feel. The character I'm reading about right now feels numb... I'm not numb yet, but I'm getting there.

And this, especially the last part, almost made me cry... because I want that.

Luckily once this weekend is over, it should be better. A big conference (all day tomorrow and Saturday), which is a big part of my work overload at the moment. Two more next month (one in Chicago), but getting through this weekend will be better.

Sometimes, I wish I had some religion in my life. Something I could turn to at moments like this to find myself again... and divorce that self from the overwhelmed work part of my life. I define myself as a spiritual, but not religious, person. I believe in G*d, but do not agree with most organized religions. But I miss church... the routine, the sanctuary, and the quiet, away from it all, only you and G*d feel of it.

I think it will be better when I start walking more again... which I can finally do, because it's not freezing out anymore. It's so much warmer right now then it has been. Highs above freezing! And next week, highs in the 50s! Yowzer. I think I'll start bringing my sneakers to work with me... maybe start walking to the farther train station (about a mile away), because walking makes me feel good... and I can get almost the same relief, same close to G*d feeling, that I used to get sitting in a church sanctuary.

I walked yesterday and it was such a relief. I went to the gym at first... but had a semi-headache, and just wasn't feeling it. For the first time since I started working out there, I felt out of place. I didn't want to lift, I didn't want to run on the threadmill... I wanted to be outside, with the fresh air and what remained of the sunlight. So I left after only about twenty minutes, changed, and set off for the far train station. It felt so good to walk, to feel the cool air on my face and not be under the artifical lighting. Maybe the winters lack of sun hasn't been helping.

It's good that I have Trav and our home. When I am home I feel better, I can put that overwhelmed feeling aside... but, the side effects remain because its tiring to feel that way all day.

I feel a little better today, but still... so overwhelmed. And that feeling of forgetting something. I hate that.

This is all so random, but it feels good to type it out... to force myself to put it into words, and in that way, help myself to understand it.

Okay, back to work. Ciao.

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