glitch

My computer is moving quite slowly today... maybe it woke up tired like I did, and almost fell asleep in the shower. Maybe its cold like I am, even though the high today is supposed to be a lovely 72. Maybe its just being a stubborn, pain in the ass. I've been known to do that to.

Tally leaves for Israel tomorrow for her wedding, so today is her last day at work until a week or two into June. Starting Friday, Jan won't be at work for at least two weeks. I'm worried that I'm going to be lonely and bored without them here.

I read this passage at *glow in the woods* and thought it was too perfect not to share:

But we are no less a warrior, no less empowered, no less mighty and powerful and connected to our inner strength without our children here to prove it. I never knew the depth of the warrior I could be until Tikva entered my life, until she departed. I never knew the grace I could live from was possible before her.

I think we are asked – in the moment of loss – to tap into a warrior in ourselves we might never have known was there. Because to mother a child who has died – to say goodbye over and over, to let go a little bit every day for the rest of our lives – is HARD. It is powerful, mighty, full of grace.

Of course, I didn't lose a child the way those folks lost a child. Theirs were birthed stillborn, or came to live for only minutes or hours or days. They met theirs, so I feel that I have so much less to complain about... at least our loss was early. But still, warrior me. I still have days of grief. It's been 10 weeks since we had that ultrasound. Two weeks longer then my baby actually lived, though two weeks shorter then the amount of time I got to celebrate being pregnant. Three weeks shorter then I got to carry that babe. Most days its just background noise, but today somehow its loud and impossible to ignore again.

Contrary to what pretty much everything above this sentence seems to say, I'm not unhappy. I have sad moments, but life is pretty good. I'm trying to only see the good stuff and let the rest roll off my back and into the ground, absorbed, sucked up, gone. It doesn't always work, but I'm doing well.

Today a person I met in DC through work will be in Philly. He's going to meet with one of my coworkers (they are both military and have plenty to discuss), then swing by to see me. Should be fun, he's a nice guy.

That's all though. Work, then another night of trying to keep our puppy calm and still. Wish me luck with that one! She's apparently feeling much better already and doesn't understand that her belly still needs to heal. Three days down, 7 to 11 more to go!