3 months

e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Dear Gwenivere,

This month dawns just as mama had to return to work. It was weird for me to think about not being with you all the time, about someone else feeding you, rocking you, comforting you. It made my heart ache a little, worrying that they wouldn't be able to comfort you... that you would just want your mama and that I wouldn't be there. I always want to be there for you.

I think that is my biggest fear in general, that you will get scared and cry for me, and I'm not there. The idea/thought of that just breaks my heart, because all I want in this world now is for you to be healthy, happy, and loved. (At least I have the loved part covered!!)

However, those worries were for not... you did great! Took your bottles, slept in your crib, and were a sweet girl for your teachers. Of course, that gave mama new worries... that you wouldn't need her anymore, that you would prefer your teachers. Silly, of course, but I guess that's how it is as a mom, you never stop worrying about something. I guess it just seems so unnatural to be away from you so much... so weird and off that as a nation we make it the norm for people to be away from their kids more then they get to be with them. Out of the 14-15 hours a day that you are awake (minus naps), someone else now gets to take care of you for almost 9 of those... and another is spent in the car. That leaves way too little time for me to kiss, hug, snuggle, hold, and stare at you!

Because of that, I so cherish my nights with you now, and all I want to do is cuddle and hug you. I talk to you and make funny faces at you, and basically get all I can in before you get tired and grumbly. And luckily, you are still a cuddly one who obliges me.

You have been sleeping great at night. You've actually slept through the night (in your crib) multiple times now, and normally only wake once anyway. I'm loving this... the extra sleep is so great. But there are times I miss waking up next to you in the morning... so I'm enjoying every last day of it. Not that I'll complain when you decide to sleep through the night every night.  ;-)

I think the key, was that you've really found your fist, and have learned to use it to self sooth. Man do you love your fist, and you shove it into your mouth at every opportunity!! So now you might wake briefly at night, but if the sleepiness outweighs the hunger, then I'll just hear you mumble a bit to yourself, then the fist goes in the mouth and you are out again! But if the hungry outweighs the sleepy, watch out... you have definitely perfected the cry that says "Feed Me NOW. (And, of course, by Now, you mean 5 minutes ago.) I am hungry, woman!"

In any case, your routine is going much better this month. We added two books, Goodnight Moon and the Going to Bed Book, which you really seem to enjoy. And I love reading them to you. So now it goes bath (every other night), change diaper and into PJs, read those two books, then you eat and I sing the Dixie Chicks song Lullaby to you. You are definitely asleep after you eat, so I hold you for a few minutes, then set you in your crib. You are staying in your crib after that a lot more now, but if you wake briefly when I put you down, then you almost always stay in your crib after another brief nursing session... until your first real wake (anywhere from 2-4 on a typical night).

(Of course, there are still occasionally those nights when you are just having a rough go of it and need to be held for hours... or even wake 3 times. They are a bit rough of mama, but we all have off nights, so lets not focus on them!)

Speaking of nursing, I'm really loving that still. Going back to work has added a new dimension, since now Mama has to pump multiple times a day too... but I'm just getting used to it as part of our new routine, so its not too big a deal. But it does make me love our morning and evening nursing sessions even more. And weekends with you are awesome, not having to worry about pulling out the pump, its magic. Mama is going to do this for as long as she can... because she wants you to be able to nurse (and take pumped milk) exclusively until 6-months if possible, then continue with the addition of food until at least a year. Longer if you are willing and it's still working.

As for your daddy and you... well at the beginning of the month I was still showering in the evenings, and sometimes you would give him such a hard time and cry the whole time. He's not a fan of that, but now that I get to shower in the mornings again, its been getting better. You are getting used to our morning routine (I feed you, then get teeth brushed and in the shower, daddy changes you at some point in there, you guys hang out, then when I'm dried off, you come with me to get dressed while daddy showers, I get you dressed and feed you, then you and daddy head out, and I finish getting ready/play with the dog until I need to leave). Its been working well, and I think it will help you to know what is in store. And you are normally a pretty happy baby in the mornings anyway, so its a good time for you and your daddy to hang out. Especially since once I get home at night I don't want to let you go!

The smiles have continued in abundance this month, and you will laugh on occasion too. You haven't learned to control this one yet, but the cutest little gaffaw will just explode out of you at random moments when something tickles you in a way you can't contain. I love it so much and can't wait until I can actually cause it on a regular basis.

This month marked my first Mother's Day as a Mom... and to the little pea who made me one, I have to say Thank You. Thank You so much sweet Gwenivere, for making my world a brighter, richer place, with so much love that I find myself choked up at random times, I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. Thank you for being you... gentle, and beautiful. I can't wait to watch you grow, to meet the you that you will become, and to do my best to always let you know just how adored you are. 

I love you so much sweet Gwen.

Love forever,
Mama