monday, @&%(*, monday

I don't know why I read the paper in the morning, most of the time it just depresses me. This world can be so cold and cruel... bombings, people gunning people down, poverty, disease, hopelessness. It's apparently a little too much for me to deal with on a monday morning. For every good act, there is a bad, we gain no ground. In fact, since most acts of kindness effect relatively few people (at a time), and a lot of bad acts hurt an exponentially greater amount, one might say we are losing ground. Sometime it really does seem that mankind is just a disease, bent on destroying its host, and at the same time, itself.
I know, happy times here.

The funny thing is, I had a great weekend. Awesome visits from Mike and Megan on Friday, my parents and bro on Saturday, and a nice lazy day at home Sunday. But last night, as I lay trying to fall asleep, I realized that my personal life offers no repreive from the horrors that I read about daily.
When it comes to my job, and finances, and future prospects, I feel stuck. I'm going to be 23 in a month (from friday), I should not be feeling like this. I have a wonderful fiance, whom, along with my family and friends, is the best thing in my life. We own a house together, and get to look forward to getting married next year, and starting a new life together. I should be happy that I have a job, and that my coworkers are wonderful fun people.
But instead I just feel stuck.

It's so easy to look back and count all the things that I "did wrong". I wish I had paid more attention to my classes, perhaps picking a more suitable major, instead of goofing off and being more worried about missing out on the next great party. I wish I had gone to grad school, or law school, persuing some sort of advanced degree... putting myself in a better position when I went to get a job. And now, I don't want a job, I want a career... I want to know that I can grow and change and be promoted from where I am, as I grow. That is not the case.
I wish I could be somewhere that I feel my intellect gets challenged (in a good way), as opposed to feel like I am sleep walking through days. I wish I could be pulling in a salary that would allow me, for once, to not be worried about money. I don't need to be rich, just enough that I could actually afford to put something in savings when the mortgage and bills are done being paid. I wish I didn't have to worry about how the hell we are going to pay for this wedding.

But as they say, if you wish in one hand and shit in the other...


  1. I love the phrase " wish in one hand and Shit in the other" It has been so long since I have thought about it.
    There is another saying that fits this post. "Be careful when you travel the road to the past. It is littered with missed opportunities. You will likely trip over them."
    You are much further along in your thinking than I was at your age.

  2. Thanks Bill... that is a good quote to remember. So true.

    Your comment definitely brightened my day a bit.


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