holy book length entry batman... aka baby.sagas

SO! Since I was completely vague and nonsensical yesterday when it came to the baby stuffs, and since my husband is awesome and told me to write about whatever I want here... and since we had a great talk last night to clear up a lot of miscommunications, get ourselves on the same page, appease me... here in no short form:

The Baby Sagas
(Aka: Megan's rollercoaster of ticking bioclock)

Before the wedding, Travis and I had thrown around the idea of starting trying for kids (from now on TTC= trying to concieve) around 2-3 years post-wedding. Two years is this Fall... and I kind of got attached to that idea. Well this past weekend we had a big fight that turned into a big talk where I found out that the reason Trav has been acting off lately (off as in, I could tell something was wrong/off, but anytime I would bring it up or ask about it I would get a "nothing, I'm fine") is because he has been kind of depressed about the fact that we aren't where he would like us to be financially, and he's taking it as "I'm not providing the way I should be for my wife."

I felt horrible for him, but ugh... I feel like we're fine. We always pay our bills on time, have more savings then most people our age, not to mention high % into our retirement funds, and we have a good deal of money in stocks... plus we are actively paying down all of our debt, of which all but my car loan and our home equity line is considered good debt (mortgage, student loans). We don't carry a balance on any of our credit cards. I get that we're not rolling in it, and that we don't have a lot of extra at the end of the month... but crap, I thought we were doing pretty good!

Blah. Anyway, that was a tangential vent that got me to the TTC part... he followed up on his depressed over finances by saying that, "Clearly we aren't financially ready to TTC now, nor do I think we will be in two year... who knows when we will be." That was a huge blow to me, and I was really upset on Sunday/Monday night. The combination of the fact that he had basically put off TTC indefinitely, that he also couldn't tell me what would make him feel we were financially ready, and that he got very defensive/dimissive when I tried to talk to him about it... it was all too much.

Well, yesterday he read my blog, saw what I wrote and got upset by how the fact that he's not ready to TTC is depressing me. He seemed to think that I was saying I would be depressed ceaselessly from now until the day we decided to TTC. Not it at all.

I told him that I didn't know how to explain why I was so sad... except that we apparently were not at all on the same page, and that all I seem to get when I try to talk about it is, "I'm not ready so lets not even talk about it."

Luckily we ended up having a really nice discussion about it last night... he said that he definitely wants to start before he turns 30 (so at most 2ish years away), that he realizes we are never going to be rich (and a long time until we are completely debt-free) and maybe he has to adjust his ideas of what financial security is, and he finally seemed to understand that me respecting his right to not be emotionally ready at this moment to TTC also means that he has to respect my right to be temporarily sad about that fact.

So despite the fact that TTC is most likely farther off at this point then I had originally hoped, I'm happy that we are finally on the same page about it. I'm hoping that he will be ready before his 30th birthday is looming, because honestly, I flatout don't want to wait 2 years! But, at least I have a definite end date in site.

So, that very long drawn out story is where my wanting-a-baby journey is at the moment. ::woo!:: And hopefully getting this out will mean not talking about it for a while because seriously, who wants to be a broken record!


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~ Meegs