case of the shoulds

I had a bit of a bad one yesterday, although I'm trying to pull myself up and out. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine, and then BAM! I get smacked in the face with something that just rips me open. An acquaintance from high school on facebook putting up belly pictures. Most pregnant women don't bother me, but I found out she was pregnant just a few days after we found out we'd lost our babe, when she announced it at 5-freakin-weeks. It just hit me when I was so raw then, and now I can't see her pictures without having my guts twisted. Not to mention that we should be 20 weeks now, half way there, and it hurts to know that instead of that, we are just getting to try again.
I just need to banish should from my vocabulary because it is a shitty, painful word.

I guess this is what they mean when they say that grief is cyclical... I really was fine, and today I'm getting back towards fine again... but yesterday, yesterday I was NOT fine. Not at all.

But for today, no more shoulds... only the nows and the what will bes.

Ps. I'm so greatful for hilarious friends that crack me up and make me smile. If you are friends with me on facebook, check out the convo in my status yesterday (the early, angry one) to see what I mean. How could I be upset after that. They are great, they are funny, and I love them.


  1. I don't know if the grief is cyclical or if it just enjoys a sneak attack. Either sucks. Sorry you had a bad day.

    I am your clicker for LFCA. I just saw your blog on my section of the blogroll and am enjoying it. I see you have been a blogger for quite some time. I am sorry the Universe has seen fit to make you move your blog into the infertility relm but I hope you find understanding, answers to questions and humor among us when you need them.


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~ Meegs