This weekend was good. It felt so busy, but honestly, only Saturday was. Friday night I hit up the gym again like a good girl. It's going well and I've managed to not hurt myself yet... a major accomplishment I think. My elbow is giving me some trouble, but that started before I was going to the gym, and I think was worsened by sleeping on the floor this weekend (will explain). Once I got home we watched the next Star Wars and relaxed.
Saturday we got up, got ready, and headed out to see Willy. His birthday is tomorrow, so we took him out to lunch at his favorite restaurant. It's always fun to spend time with Willy... so a birthday meal was especially nice. We brought along all of the various gift cards we've been accumulating from Christmas, etc., and hit up Macy's, Lowe's, and Barnes & Nobles afterwards. Got lots of fun stuff including a wallpaper steamer, so I'll probably be steaming wallpaper off this weekend! :-) We can't paint everything right away, but that doesn't mean I can't get the rooms ready. Plus we still have a home depot gift card.... soo...
After that we headed to Slink & Lindsey's for another fun evening. More debauchery all around. Plus we stayed this time so no one would have to be the DD... hence where the painful sleeping on the floor came about. Ugh. I don't know that I can handle that anymore. I tossed and turned all night, getting up a few times to use the bathroom or get a drink. Finally at quarter to seven, I couldn't take it anymore. I gathered all of our stuff together, woke Trav up, and drove us home. We were home by a little after 7:30, back in bed by 8ish, and I slept like I was dead until about one in the afternoon. Man did I need that sleep.
The rest of the day we relaxed, ate, watched the rest of the Star Wars movies, then were in bed by 10:20! And again, I slept like the dead. Apparently I was a little behind.
Tonight, you guessed it, more gym! Also, more Ireland! Trav is heading to a travel agency down the road from his work... just to see what they have to offer. We also found a good fly/drive package online.
Hmm... what else. Honestly I'm afraid I'm boring everyone lately. I have nothing new to talk about. It's always going to the gym, and talking about Ireland, and today I did ABC. I'm not writing anything, or thinking deep thoughts that I want to publicly share... I'm avoiding news and politics (in general, not just here). I'm not feeling troubled, and my happiness is tied to "normal" things... day to day items, like spending a day shopping together, that while great for me, aren't super exciting read about! How about a blast from the past?
From 11/19/2002:
I can hardly begin to sum up how i've been feeling. The weekend was too quick, and i've been missing travis very much since then. But i was okay because i felt like i finally had things under control. I felt real good about my IR test, i was sure my Law test was going to go well also. And travis is coming on Wed. I am actually doing my reading on time, and i just was happy about things. So, this morning i took my Law test, and i have no idea how it went. I either did really well or really bad. Then i went to my IR class and got my test back.
well, i should preface this: i did really bad on the first test... REALLY bad. So this test i buckled down and worked harder then i think i've worked on a test in my whole time here at Lehigh. So i get my test back today and i got a C... a god damn fucking C. A friend of mine who didn't study until the night before the test did better then me. And so now i feel like shit. real shit.
That's the way things have been going for me lately. Just when i am feeling great... sure of myself and proud of how i am handling things, something like this happens and just pulls me back down into this feeling of bleakness. Like why the hell am i here? I've started to wonder if IR was the right major to choose... I love it, but obviously i can't do it, and i think that right now just having a major that i can do would be so much better. At least i'm doing something i love you say, but you know what... employers don't look at interest level as the main determinant for getting a job. I'm trying to be more positive though... i'm trying, i just don't know if it's working.
From 11/11/2003:
IR 344 is going to be the death of me. This paper is driving me crazy because I can't think of what I want to do it on, can't determine where to start, and will end up getting a D in this class (if i'm lucky) because of it. Professor Barkey looked at me in class today and asked how the paper was going... "its going" i believe was my exact responce. He asked if I want to meet... all I wanted to do was shout "HELL NO!!!!" But obviously I couldn't do that.
So now I have to meet with him next week and I have nothing to show him.
Nothing.
It's a very bad feeling.
From 12/02/2003:
In five years I'll be turning 26.
Career/Academics: Let's see... I'm in my last year at Lehigh, so in five years I'll have been out of college for 4 years. I hope to be established at my job by that point; working for the government in some way. I'm not sure if I'm going to start out with the government right after graduation, but by then that's where I want to be.
Family: Hmm... well, Travis and I will be married by then, for maybe 2 years or so. I don't see kids at that point, because I definitely want to enjoy my marriage for at least four years first. But maybe when I'm 27 or 28? As for both of our parents, I see us staying close to them, even if not geographically. We'll almost definitely be doing yearly vacations with his parents, and holidays with mine. At that point my brother will be in his senior year of HS, and hopefully we will still be as close as we are now. I really want Travis and my home to be a place that he can come to vacation and relax.
Social: My biggest goal will probably be to work at keeping up with all my close friends from college and my best friend since preschool, Heather. As spaced out geographically as my friends are, none are in DC, so if we do end up there... it will be interesting. At that point it will also be only a year away from both my 10 year HS reunion and my 5 year college reunion, both of which I will have to attend, just to see everyone again and catch up.
Financial: Hmm... by then I hope to be well on my way to having my student loans paid off, and Trav and I will probably have both car and house payments to make. I don't see this being a problem though, as we are both very good about saving. Also, neither of us needs a lot to be happy... just enough for food, shelter, and the basics. We have so much fun just going for walks together, etc. Hopefully we'll also be investing and starting a little pot for both our future children's futures, and for our own retirement.
Five years ago I was 16, not really even looking at or thinking about colleges yet, and was feeling like I was going to grow old alone. Lol! Oh how things can change. I really feel like my life just keeps getting better though, and I hope that is the continued trend.
That one is funny to read... I'm a year away from the five year point. And in the career section? A lifetime away. But the rest isn't bad!
From 04/27/2004:
I keep talking about how excited I am to leave. About how good it will be to get out. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life... But sometimes it just seems like its all moving too fast.
There are so many things I don't want to leave behind.
My roommates, simplicity, my freedom to not get up in the morning, and being able to walk to most of my friends houses.
There are things I'm going to miss so badly.
I have this reopened wound now. The past year and a half I've been able to forget it... but now, as always before, just when I feel like the soreness is gone, it comes back. With a vengence.
"Welcome Brothers old and young, welcome every loyal son..."
Sometimes words are not enough, and peoples sorry's aren't enough, and the fact that "i'm as much a 'chosen few' as anyone else" is not fucking enough....
Sometimes words where actions should have been are just not enough.
And when it comes at a time like this, with every other feeling piling on, it just hurts extra badly. I will miss Lehigh despite everything. And I will miss that one part especially. I've spent a good part of my four years there!
I'm ready to move forward. But maybe my heart is still hanging on.
Okay, last one...
From 04/19/2004:
I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.
It's weird to go back to revisit the past. Some old wounds seem so silly, others hurt just as much today as they did then. But its good to read that and know that I can finally say, "I'm happy", and really truly honest-to-G*d, mean it! It's funny to read that too and think... man, I would love to go back to school right now. Lol.
Okay, ciao!
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